Finding Your Personal Ministry Please Help

If you know me, you know that I am very mortal.  I don't always do the right things, and sometimes I don't do anything.  I struggle with my natural self as much as anyone.  However, I still like to try and do things that benefit others.

I am working on a new writing project about finding your personal ministry, and I'm asking for your help.


If you or someone you know helps others (or at least tries), I'd love to hear from you or them.


A personal ministry can be something very simple.  For example, every morning, my dad prays that God will send to him just one person who needs his help.  And then he goes looking for that person.


A few years ago, I tried an experiment asking my friends to pray for two strangers every single day.  I tried doing the same thing.  I rarely knew the outcome in the lives of those strangers, but I sure felt the peace and reassurance from the Lord knowing that I was trying to make a difference.


Others use their past trials and experiences in their informal personal ministries.  Neal A. Maxwell used his experience of having cancer to help bear up others who were similarly stricken.  He could uniquely relate to others who were also having to endure chemotherapy and the knowledge that they had a quite terminal disease.


Some ministries are far more reaching, like Mother Teresa ministering to the poor of Calcutta and other places.  But more, I suspect, are like the above mentioned.  Small and simple things that help others in a very quiet, unpublicized ways.


So, here's what will help me help others find their personal ministries - if you do something, anything, that helps others, please email me with a short message of what you do.  If you know of someone else who helps others, I'd like to hear about them, too.  If I can gather enough stories, anecdotes and ideas, I can publish them into a book. You may remain as anonymous as you like for the actual publication, but let's discuss.


Please email me at findingyourministry@gmail.com and let's work together to help others who so need our help.  Oh, and please pass this on!


Thanks for reading!


Brother H.

Seeing Light

I've been having some medical and financial struggles lately.  Dealing with a vicious cycle.  My pain (Chronic Myofascial Pain and possible Fibromyalgia syndrome) really flared up this week, starting on Sunday.  I was going to go to church with A and my dad, but I couldn't even get into the shower and put my suit on.


I called the pain clinic who basically has me under contract to see them and them alone for any pain care, which makes sense to me.  There are too many instances of prescription drug abuse and accidental overdoses with prescription pain medication.  So, I called the pain clinic yesterday to see if I could come in.  However, because of some past bills that went to collection, the office manager told me they have been preparing to discharge me from their care.


Of course this would happen at the tail end of my pain pills running out.


I asked Allie, the office manager, if I could come in if I paid out of pocket for the office visit.  She said she needed to check with the doctors and she would call me back.


In the meantime, I called the collection agent who had been trying to reach me and made payment arrangements and they said that the pain clinic could verify that a payment has been made and that additional payments have been arranged.


I called the clinic back and asked to speak to Allie, but was told she was on the other line.  I then asked the nice lady to give her a message letting her know about the payment to see if that would help.  I was told that I should get a call back from Allie either later yesterday afternoon or this morning.


Guess who didn't call?


So, it was off to the emergency room.  By this time the pain was so excruciating, I was crying.  My dear old dad changed some of his plans and was kind enough to drive me to the hospital.  I wouldn't have dared, since the pain itself was so distracting, I wouldn't have been safe on the roads.


(By the way, in our runnings around today, I learned that I need to take my dad with me more often.  The cute old guy is a total chick magnet!)


The doc at the ER was very kind.  He gave me an Rx for a short supply of pain meds and urged me to work with either the pain clinic or a new provider.  We went to the pharmacy to get the Rx filled and had lunch at Maceys Deli - they have really good pizza by the way.  And then we came home.


As soon as I got home, I tried reaching Allie again, but had to leave her a voicemail.


In addition to all else, I am working with the social worker here at the senior apartments to get on Medicaid.  She's been very helpful!  She keeps telling me how nice it is for me to be here to take care of dad.  I don't really do much, just make sure he can hear things and basic stuff like that.


Realizing I don't have very much in the way of pain meds to keep me going for long, I called the doc that used to see mama and got an appointment with him.  March 7!


So, I really don't know what to do.  Two weeks without any meds at all really isn't something I look forward to!


***


On a personal/family note, I heard from my sister today.  She told me she loves me and always will.  That one message was an incredible relief.  Forgiveness may or may not come, but at least she loves me.


Heard from another family member with basically the same message.  She was another one I hurt.  I realize I've been worrying about the wrong things.  I've been worrying about how I feel about the situation - not about how they feel.  I've been doing it backwards.


This really isn't about me.  Yes, it started because of me, but I need to focus on my repentance and healing and stop focusing on how all this is affecting me.  I am not the victim.


All in all, I really can see more clearly now.  I am seeing light.  Day by day, I'm learning (or re-learning) to rely on the Lord and His mercy, grace and unconditional love.


May He bless us all.


Brother H.

Funky Town

As much as I like the song, "Funky Town", the title to this post is misleading.  For the past week or so, I have been in a deep, deep funk.

Funk as in depression.

I've pretty well limited contact with everyone I love, knowing that's the worst thing I can do, but I can't seem to help myself.

Down, down, down.

I could use some prayers.  Healing for me and for my family and our relationships.

Brother H.

A Step in the Right Direction

Took a big step.  Confessed to someone who I hurt.  Admitted I had lied before.  It doesn't make it all better - doesn't make it all go away, but it's a start.

The person I confessed to was extremely gracious, something that doesn't suprise me, because that's the way she is.  She's had her own tough road to repentance and she's done well.  She inspires me.

I know the steps I need to take from here, and they won't be easy steps by any means, but the Lord has been answering a specific prayer.  He's been softening and breaking my heart.  Helping me not be so afraid of the repentance process.  Healing and binding up my self-inflicted wounds.  In short, He's been doing what He promised He would do if I would only do my part.

I really don't know what's ahead in our family or in our family dynamics.  I continue to hope and pray that in addition to healing me and the others as individuals, He will heal our family relationships.

I take full responsibility for what I've done.  My actions have hurt others.  Although I knew there would be consequences, I did what I did anyway.  There are no more words I can say to convey my deep sorrow to my family.

All I can do is to hope they accept that I am trying to move forward, hand-in-hand with the Lord.  Time may heal all wounds, as they say, but I'm earnestly hoping that the wounds will heal sooner rather than later.

And so I pray...

Brother H.

Motivations and Intentions

I had good intentions when I told my friend I was going to church today.

Really.

But by the time it was time to get ready, I didn't have the oomph.  My back was hurting like crazy, and I just didn't have the energy.  She must think I'm the worst friend, ever.

We had planned it so we could prod and motivate each other to go.  She apparently has somewhat of a lack of motivation to go as well.  We were going to help each other.

A, if you're reading this, please know how sorry I am.  I really did want to go today.  But in the end, I failed you.  I'm sorry.

As my dad likes to remind me, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  However, I also know from that same dad that the Lord is merciful and benevolent beyond any measure on our part to comprehend.

I'm depending on that mercy and benevolence.

Sometimes I wonder if old scratch - the one who actively opposes all that is good and right, somehow is able to wrench my back every Sunday morning, making it especially difficult to find the cheerful outlook and energy to get ready and just go.  The spirit is willing but the flesh, indeed, is weak.

Brother H.

Withdrawal

Every day it becomes more apparent that the only way I will find full forgiveness is to move away.  Far, far away.  Though, in the digital age, how far can you really run from your sins and mistakes?  How far can you get from those you have hurt and from those who cannot or will not forgive?

With the birthday party just around the corner, I have also come to the conclusion that I need to be somewhere else during that time.  I love my father dearly, and I think bringing (or allowing) peace between family members is the best gift I can give.

Thinking of Montana  - but soooo cold!

Good things have been happening in my life though.  Maybe I'll tell you in a near-future post.

Missing Family

This is wearing me down.

The more I think about my family, my siblings and their children, my in-laws, the worse I feel for my actions.  I have driven wedges.  I have created canyons between us.

And I don't know how to fix it.

My dad's birthday is coming up and the family will be celebrating.  For dad, I want to be there.  For my family, I want to stay away.

 If I'm there, dad will be happy.  If I'm not there, the rest of the family will likely feel more comfortable.

One of the other hitches in the whole cycle is that my family (all but dad) want me to get out and move on.  I understand their concerns.  One sib, a brother, has let me know that he doesn't feel "nervous" about my being here creates a bad situation for dad.  His support is much appreciated but I don't know what the others really feel.

Another brother told me he thought I had a chip on my shoulder.  If so, it was placed there completely unintentionally.  I don't dislike my family.  I love them very much.  I honestly just don't know where to go from here.  I don't know how to strike that fine balance between being my own man, helping dad and gaining forgiveness from those I hurt.  I've done nothing like that since the incident, but I feel like it will take forever to regain love, trust and forgiveness from those I've hurt.

In the meantime, I continue to try growing closer to God and that has been really helpful.  Reading the Book of Mormon on a daily basis has brought me incredible peace.

I pray that we may all find healing in our hearts, our minds and our family relationships.

Brother H.

Wilt Thou Comfort my Soul in Christ

I have been feeling a greater measure of peace in my life.  I attribute that peace wholly to a kind, benevolent and wise Heavenly Father who sees beyond the maze of walls I face in mortality.  On my part, I attribute it to more faithfully reading the scriptures (specifically the Book of Mormon) and praying that Heavenly Father would soften my heart toward my family.  It's been a rough week, but, as my beautiful sister likes to sing, "I Can See Clearly Now the Rain is Gone".

Dad and I are getting along quite well.  Sure, he repeats some of the same stories, but I do too, I'm sure.  He likes to sing, and some of the songs he serenades me with, I haven't heard in decades.  He's really worried about his finances and he's told me how much he appreciates that I've been buying the groceries, taking him to lunch, etc.  That makes me feel good - that I've been in a position to help him financially rather than be a financial burden to him.  The only problem with that is that the more I spend here, the less I can save for my own place,  But, the Lord will provide.  He always does.

Truly today I am feeling that my prayers for my soul to be comforted in Christ are being answered.

Brother H.

Trusting in the Arm of Flesh

I chose the title of this post because it very recently hit me - the solution to all my angst, stress, pressure and - well - all the negative feelings of late.

I need to stop trusting in the arm of flesh.  This means people.  Humans.  Mortals.  Those whose spirits are currently adorned with flesh.  I need to stop trusting in flesh I've relied on for nearly a half-century.  My own.

When this idea came to me, it was more than an idea.  I knew it was pure inspiration.  Pure revelation.  Relevant to all I've been dealing with.  God alone knows my heart, my intentions, my sins and my efforts to repent of my sins.  He alone knows why I am the way I am and how much of who I am is changeable according to my mission and His will, plan and timing.

Despite the beautiful song by Frank Sinatra, I cannot continue trying to do it my way.  When I do, I fail.

I wish I could take the jumbled up feelings I've been experiencing and somehow download it just so others who are trying to figure me out could better understand the challenges I'm facing.  The transgressions, sins, mistakes, etc., some are the normal garden-variety of things we all face from time to time.  But in each of us, I believe, there are things we deal with that others who have not dealt with just could not understand.

If you've ever been addicted to nicotine, have you ever tried to explain to someone who has never smoked what it's like to try and quit?

If you've never been addicted to nicotine, has a smoker ever tried to explain it to you?  Did you fully understand, or did you mentally roll your eyes and think, "Come on, it can't be that hard to quit"?

On the parts of both of you, there is a communication gap. You can explain it - you can listen to it - all day long.  But, unless there's an experiential relationship, you're both going to fail on some level.

Some members of my family know that besides nicotine, I have other addictions that I won't go into here.  I'm sure you wonder why I did what I did.  Hell, I wonder why I did what I did, too.  Any attempt to explain, I fear, would be taken by them as an alibi.  An excuse.  A way to explain away my behavior without taking honest responsibility.

However, I have been trying to figure it out and though I understand some of it, I don't understand it all.  I can tell you that, at the time at least, it was an overwhelming compulsion borne of events that happened years ago.  I can tell you how very sorry I am (and mean it with all my soul), but I sense that only time will heal these particular wounds.  I will not excuse myself.  I will not give an alibi.

One of the problems that gets in the way of healing on both sides of the issue is that some things we do to each other create great canyons of emotional distance.  We may still love each other, but trust needs time to be rebuilt.  Rome wasn't built in a day, and I am sure the trust I want to earn back could take years.

But it's not up to me.  And this is where that pure inspiration comes into play.

As much as I want the unconditional love, the forgiveness and the trust back from my family, that is simply out of my control.  That is something I absolutely cannot trust the arm of flesh to fix.  Not my flesh.  Not their flesh.

I can only trust my wise Heavenly Father to lead me (and sometimes carry me) down the path of repentance and to the cross of my Savior who both paid for these sins and suffered the hurt, disappointment and anger that family members may carry towards me.  He did this so that He could have the hands-on experience by feeling these exact feelings, exactly as they feel them, and I feel them.  Only with this hands-on experience is He able to walk us down our paths, and hopefully, back into the arms of each other.

***

On another note, as mentioned in a previous post, I was going to try my best to read from the Book of Mormon at least once a day - one chapter a day.

Today I read the 4th chapter of Helaman.  There are some real life parallels for me there that relate to the theme of this post.  By relying in my own arm of flesh, I have essentially been telling God, "Hey, I can do this.  I'll let you know if I need You."

That sounds like boastful pride to me.  According to the record in this chapter, when we boast in our own strength, He leaves us in our own strength.  And justifiably so.  

Since turning things over to Him and not taking them back; since reading daily from this life-changing book (The Book of Mormon), I have begun to feel so much peace.  For the first time in weeks, I have really felt the Holy Ghost.  It's amazing to me that He knows I'm so far from perfect, and yet sends this beautiful member of the Godhead to me.

Now is the time for me to let go and let God.

Thank you for your support, your prayers and your encouraging comments.  I appreciate you.

Brother H.

Baby Talk

It's strange for me to be defined as the baby of the family, though technically, that's true.  I am the eighth child of eight children.  For most of our lives, we've gotten along pretty well, though of course our varied personalities, tastes and quirks made for some interesting interactions from time to time.

However, I don't define myself that way.  I am an adult, nearly half-century old, who makes mistakes, has dreams and aspirations and does the best he can with what he's got.  Like others, I would rather be judged by my intentions than by the followthru.  I am human, and an error-prone one at that.

I know now that some of my family reads this blog.  To you I would like to say, welcome.  You may not always hear the pleasantries of whats going on in my head, but I will try not to offend you.  I love my family.  I know they have my best interest at heart and their intentions are good and noble.

However, I think they still like to think of me as the baby.  Immature.  Spoiled.  In need of constant correction, maybe even a time out.

I make mistakes, yes, and lots of them.  Some of the recent ones have been real doozies.  Hurtful.  Bewildering.  Perhaps even unforgivable.  Bad enough that I know I will do all I can to avoid family gatherings for the time being.  Perhaps for the rest of my days.  I'm sure I've made many feel awkward even calling or visiting dad.  Yet another reason I want to get out and back on my own.

The main reason I feel like this is because when there's a total absence of communication between the offender and the offended, both are left to their imaginations of what's going on in the heart and mind of the other.  In this case, since I've not heard from the party involved, I can only assume that forgiveness is not going to happen.  At least not for now.  Heck, she could hate me for all I know.  The lack of communication here makes it impossible to know.

I worried about all of this so much yesterday, I ended up sedating myself and just going to sleep for awhile.  But for today, I choose not to worry about what others think of me.  As long as I've put it out there that I understand their concerns about the living situation and I'm moving on it... as long as I've apologized again and have asked their forgiveness... well, really, that's all I can do.  I can't obsess on the situation so much that it keeps throwing me into panic attacks.

On the good side, something dad said today made me feel good.  He pointed out that those who are criticizing me for being here as long as I have been don't know the whole story.  I'm not about to boast.  Just know that I've been able to help him in ways others could not.

And with that, I am putting this in God's hands where it all belongs.

Brother H.

Moving on

I feel it's time for me to move on.  In more than a few ways.  Physically.  Spiritually.  Mentally.  Emotionally.  And in any other "ally" ways I can.


I will be moving from dad's place by the end of this month. Hopefully before his birthday, which is ten days away.  My sister (who must know how much I love her and all my sibs), has correctly pointed out that nobody wants to jeopardize dad's living conditions.  Although the manager here has explicitly approved of my being a guest to help dad, it's really making others nervous.  Good motivation to go.


I'm afraid that the wedges and rifts between other family members and me are getting wider.  I take full responsibility for these disconnections, and right now, the only thing I can think of to allow everyone to get back to normal family-hood is for me to excuse myself from the situation and hope that we can all, someday, get back to the closeness we had after the passing of my brother and mother.  During the times that they were in ICU and dying, the family got incredibly close.  Wedges were removed.  Chasms were closed.  Wounds were sutured and hearts mended.  There was forgiveness all around.

Things feel different now.

Is it perception that some of my siblings will never forgive me?  I honestly don't know.  If not, well, that's something I'll just have to live with.  In the meantime, they can hopefully take comfort in the knowledge that I am actively looking for a new place to live; looking for work, and will be out of their hair soon.

I'm a bad person, I get it.  You're a good person.  I get that, too.

Maybe it's simple paranoia, but I sense a "cheeseball party" is being planned in my honor, and if that happens, well, the rift would widen to an unbridgeable canyon.  Such an event would drive me away permanently.  And far away. I hope my sibs know I love them enough to understand their motives, and I dearly love them for who they are.  I only ask that they remember how another one of us felt driven away because he was so different than the rest of us.  Justified in his feelings or not, it was his perception that we (yes, me, too) were willing to love and accept him, but only on our own terms.  That he moved 1,800 miles to get away from us is telling in our family dynamic.  I still cringe knowing that I was apart of what he perceived as loving and accepting him on our terms.


I am willing to make things right with my family and loved ones, but I think this is something only time will heal.  I need to work through my own salvation and repentance process.  That's something nobody else can help me with.  I hope the members of my family who I recently hurt know how sorry I am.  I can't take back what I did.  I can only tell you again that I'm sorry, it won't happen again, and I am trying to forgive myself as well as be open to Heavenly Father's forgiveness.  Whether your forgiveness comes now, later or never, well, I can't worry about that.

I know this may sound like a pity party, but really, I'm okay.

Dad was extremely gracious in allowing me to stay, and the timing was good. He was having eye surgery and needed a seeing eye child.  I was available and it would have been a hardship on the other sibs.  His eye has healed completely, and, well, it's just time to go.

The thing about my present circumstance is that I can pretty much go anywhere.  Lately, I've been considering places in Southern Utah (don't worry, nowhere near where family currently lives).  It's a long drive, that's for sure, but like my dear departed brother, I'm afraid that until my lifestyle more closely represents the lifestyle my sibs want for me, maybe it's best if I just take some time away.  I'm still up in the air about that.

Also, as I mentioned in my last post, I have been trying to read the Book of Mormon more consistently.  Last night, I read the final chapter of Alma and began Helaman.  What great men these two were.  I hope that someday I'll again find the strength to be more like them.  In the meantime, I rely completely on the mercy and grace of my Father in Heaven to see me through, day to day.

I hope you do, too.

With special love to my sibs who I know love me and I love them back,

Brother H.

Lovers of their own selves...

(2 Timothy 3:2)

When did my current selfish phase begin?  When did I start perceiving the world as an orb that rotates around me?  At what point did I begin seeing others as unimportant bit players and extras in my movie, with me in the starring role?

I guess I've been so caught up in this selfish phase that I didn't even notice it until today.  I could say I don't know where the thought came from, but I really do.  Inspiration.  Revelation.  The still, small voice whispering to me, letting me know something was wrong, and that something was that for several weeks, I have been thinking and acting like it was all about me, me, me.

Firstly, if you're one of the people who I've treated badly recently (or really at any point in our relationship), let me apologize profusely.  There is no excuse for bad behavior, and I certainly won't try to make one.  I am sorry.

Secondly, a good friend of mine, LW, helped me find the missing piece to this puzzle of me vs. the world.  I had asked her how it was she was able to be so strong, and I told her I needed a hobby - something to keep me from straying into boredom which almost always leads me into trouble.  Her reply was simple, but it was what I needed.

"Read the scriptures"

So, beginning today, I am going back to reading at least one chapter of the Book of Mormon.  Regardless of how I might try to excuse myself from this daily goal, I'm going to do it.  I need the spiritual strength and sustenance that comes from this daily practice.  I was going to say "daily routine", but I have never had a routine experience with this grand book that I love so much, and I don't plan to.  Ever.

If you'd like to help hold me accountable, I would welcome it.  I will be posting on Facebook every day when I've completed my reading.  I may simply post the book and chapter I've just read, but I may also post some insights or questions for my Facebook friends.

If you and I are not yet connected on Facebook, feel free to request.  My profile can be found here.

Maybe by getting back to daily reading, I can find the answer to the question of this post.

When did it become all about me?

Brother H.

Here am I, Send Me... Away

There are a multitude of blessings of being part of a large family.  I've always loved having a lot of older siblings.  As we all age, however, and grow at different rates and experience life in different ways, the dynamics can get a little complicated in some ways.  This is only my personal opinion, but I think that the larger the family, the more opportunities for both love and error present themselves.

Despite the errors, sins and mistakes I've made in my life, I can honestly say I love each and every one of my siblings and their offspring.

Right around Christmastime, I made a huge mistake that affected a few people in my immediate family.  I have a sister who has every right to be angry with me.  Though I've apologized and have worked on my end to also obtain forgiveness of the Lord, the one thing I'm finding is that the distance I've created between the two of us is really hard to bear.  Yes, I deserve it, there's no question about that.  I wouldn't blame her if she never talked to me again.


It's also been extremely difficult for me to find forgiveness from myself for myself.  Though the Lord tells us not to worry about whether others forgive us or not, I'm not sure if I will be able to completely forgive myself without obtaining her forgiveness.  There's the rub.  The longer I know she's carrying this burden of seeing me as the evil one, the longer I see myself that way, too.


Perhaps it would be easier for me to just pack up and leave town.  Then nobody would have to think about me so much and they could move on with their lives and I could find it easier to move on with mine and forgive me of my sins.


I don't deserve her forgiveness.  I guess asking for mercy at this point is too much.  I know I can obtain both from the Lord.  Perhaps that shall be my consolation for the time being.


Brother H.

It may be broke, but...

Why is it that we like to fix each other?  Husbands like to fix wives.  Parents like to fix their kids.  Siblings like to fix each other.

I have a close family member (at least one that I know of; there are probably others) who wants to fix me.  He wants me to get a job, get out on my own.  He wants me to get back in the pew at church.  All of which is admirable, but, really, doesn't he have better things to do with his time?

As one of the former black sheep of the family, he should know the futility of trying to fix someone the way you want them fixed.  He should also remember the wedge that can be driven between family members when there's one who wants to fix the other.  There was a wedge between him and the rest of us for a time.  Then, it was driven by others in the family who wanted to fix him.  Now that that particular wedge has been removed and scars healed, he's using it on me.

Remember that we (as a family - I do not exclude myself from blame) already drove one family member away - to Tennessee - because we couldn't/wouldn't accept him "as is".  I've seriously considered following suit and just leaving Utah because I feel I don't fit in with the family.

Why do we do this to each other?  Why do we get so excited to fix each other that we end up only driving them farther away?  Why do we make it so phone calls go unanswered because it's really not pleasant for me to hear, "I want to support you... but..." and unspoken but still heard, "it's got to be this way."?

Look, I have a mind, a brain and free will.  I know what's right; I know what's wrong.  I know that you love me, and I so appreciate that.  But there are things I need to learn and things I need to figure out in my own way and according to my own timetable.  I promise you that if my health was not so fragile, I'd go to work on a construction crew this week to bring in more bacon.  As it is, I'm helping dad in financial and other ways.  Dad and I have discussed this, and he says if others resent me being here, well, they don't need to.  Ask him.

In the meantime, call me with some good news.  Share with me what's going on in your life.  How's the job?  Family okay?  Kids having a good time?  Great.

But if you start trying to fix me, that may be the last time I answer your call.

But I will still love you.

Always.

Brother H.