He Knows Your Heart

I had a good, long phone conversation with a friend yesterday.  It was good to catch up with her.


Something she said, though, got me to thinking - got me to think about how I talk to others, especially within the framework of the church and gospel.


By her own admission, this friend was a spiritual child, one who knew of God and had tasted of his goodness from a very early age.  Her parents broke up and divorced when she was in elementary school, and her mom kept physical custody of her.  She saw her dad on Tuesdays and Sundays, the only days available to spend time with him.


When she was twelve, a member of her bishopric asked why she hadn't been going to church on Sunday and primary on Tuesdays (this was in the 1970s, before the three hour block schedule we now have).  She told him that those were the only days she could spend time with her dad.  He then asked, well-meaning, I'm sure, what was more important - to spend time with her dad or go to church.


What would your answer be?


Her answer was that she felt it more important to spend time with her father.  He, the member of the bishopric, told her that the right answer should have been church.


Since that time, my friend has not returned to church, now doubts her testimony and has since engaged in some pretty self-destructive behavior.


It's this situation, and others like it I've both learned about and experienced for myself, that leads me to wonder what we inadvertently do to each other when we interact with others.  Because he made my friend, only twelve at the time, make a decision between family and church, he poisoned her thinking about what the gospel is supposed to be about.  Well meaning as he was, the damage was done.


Now, I'm a firm believer that, as we age and grow and mature, we must take ownership of our own decisions when we can (there are a host of situations the Lord is aware of where we may not be able to do that - our past, addictions, decisions and hurts forced upon us by others) - but you can see how easy it would be for a child, faced with the choices my friend was given, to grow up doubting the tender mercies of the Lord through His servants.


So, yeah, this got me thinking a lot.  It's helped me to see that I really need to be careful in how I talk to others, especially in the framework of the gospel.  We're all different.  We've all had different trials and family situations. Not one of us is exactly alike.


Therefore, I will try my best to see others as Heavenly Father sees them. I will try to refrain from unrighteous judgement and remember that He, God alone, knows their hearts.


And, in the meantime, I will pray for mercy to be with all of us, no matter our background, our upbringing or our situation now.


I hope you have a good Sabbath, full of His peace, love and grace.




Bro H.

Highlights of a Great Week

This has been a great week for me, setbacks and roadblocks notwithstanding.  Some highlights:

Yesterday while I was outside in the parking lot of the Senior Apartment Complex a car drove up and parked.  I didn't recognize the woman driving, but the passenger was someone who lives here.  She's a Bosnian refugee who has been here for 11 years.  I wouldn't say she's elderly, but she is about 15 years older than me.

The driver introduced herself as Amy - a friend of the passenger.  Amy had a thick Bosnian accent but spoke English well.

She pointed to the Awesomemobile I was leaning against (a 1980's stationwagon sans the awesome paneling) and asked if it was my car.  I told her it was my dads.  Then, the passenger began talking and Amy translated.  They wanted to know if I could drive her to Lowe's to get a sheet of particle board and have it cut.  Amy's car was obviously too small to put the lumber in.  I told her I'd be happy to help.

So, today, I picked up my Bosnian friend at 3:00 sharp and we drove the mile or so to the hardware store.  We both chatted back and forth, not understanding a single word the other was saying, but it was fun!

At the hardware store, my friend produced a slip of paper with the exact dimensions of what she needed and the workers took over.  We were in and out in no time and then I helped her install the board under her couch cushions.  Apparently a board under the cushions keeps them from slipping off the sofa.  Who knew?

After that, my friend asked me to meet her outside again in about 15 minutes and I had the opportunity to drive her to the bank.

I have to say, this was a highlight of my day - my week, even.  At one point, my friend offered to pay me but I thought, "why?"  I had the chance to help out someone who has been very friendly and welcoming to me, and I got to learn a few extra words in Bosnian.

***

Another Highlight - 

On Monday and Tuesday, I got to see my nephew Jason, his wife, Corie and their kids Kyle and Kylie - along with my niece, Dena and her girlfriend Marisa.  I hadn't seen Jason in a decade, and had never met Corie or their kids.  It was really great to see them and catch up with them.  I'm really proud of Jason.  He's a volunteer firefighter in his town of Fairview, Missouri.  The photo above is of him fighting a fire.  Not to be left out, I'm also proud of Dena and love her and all my brother Mark's kids.  They're good people.  They've been through a lot - more than I could take, for sure.

***

Not such a fun Highlight - 

Also on Tuesday, my dad told me that Gary, the manager of the Senior Apartments told him it was time for me to go.  When dad came in the apartment, he began that conversation with, "Do you want the bad news or the bad news?"  Kinda sucks when your dad uses your words and phrases against you =)

But you know, as soon as dad told me that I needed to leave, I felt a peace and calm I can't explain in human terms.  It just felt right.  I decided then that it must be what the Lord wants for me.  I have no idea where I'll land or where I'll go next week, but I know that as long as I trust in the Lord (or try my best to, anyway), the result will be what He wants.  What He wants is what I want.

A couple of hurdles cropped up immediately.  I had made a payment arrangement with a bill collector to withdraw payments for a bill every other week, but the agent made a mistake and withdrew this week, too.  That left me with a whopping $28 in my account.

Then, I called the Home Inn where I plan to go for a few weeks at least, and they said they had a room immediately.  Since I want to pay by the week, I confirmed the weekly rate - $80/week.  The manager said yes, that's the rate, but they have a policy that they require at least 2 weeks payment up front.  This threw me off, so I sent a quick text to my former bishop who owns the Home Inns and he said yes, that's their policy and no, he won't intervene for me for an exception.

So, I'm not quite sure what to do.  But, it's not up to me.  When the Lord counseled (commanded?) to trust not in the arm of flesh, I believe He was including my own flesh.  I need to trust in Him and Him alone.  When I try to take over, well, let's just say things don't go well most of the time.  What's the scripture?  Oh, yeah.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding."  (Proverbs 3:5)

That sounds pretty clear to me.  It's simple.  Not easy.  But simple.

***

Today, I had the opportunity to go to lunch with my brother, Tim.  So good to spend an hour or so with one of the great heroes of my life.

***

The final Highlight so far this week -

I met with my bishop this week.  We had a good talk.  Even though I'm moving, he said we can keep my records in the ward here.  I also committed to attending church and paying my tithing.  He had so many good things to say about my dad - things I already know.  The bishop also said he would give me a calling as soon as he could, and highly encouraged me to get involved in serving others.  I like the idea.  And, though this was the first time I met him, I liked him immediately.  He's pretty young (I would be surprised to find out he's had his 30th birthday yet), but I know he's connected with the Lord.

So, those are the highlights.  It's been a week of ups and downs, but I'm choosing to trust in the Lord (as His ways are not mine) and focus on the ups.

Hope you're having a good week.

Brother H.

Motivations and Intentions

I had good intentions when I told my friend I was going to church today.

Really.

But by the time it was time to get ready, I didn't have the oomph.  My back was hurting like crazy, and I just didn't have the energy.  She must think I'm the worst friend, ever.

We had planned it so we could prod and motivate each other to go.  She apparently has somewhat of a lack of motivation to go as well.  We were going to help each other.

A, if you're reading this, please know how sorry I am.  I really did want to go today.  But in the end, I failed you.  I'm sorry.

As my dad likes to remind me, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  However, I also know from that same dad that the Lord is merciful and benevolent beyond any measure on our part to comprehend.

I'm depending on that mercy and benevolence.

Sometimes I wonder if old scratch - the one who actively opposes all that is good and right, somehow is able to wrench my back every Sunday morning, making it especially difficult to find the cheerful outlook and energy to get ready and just go.  The spirit is willing but the flesh, indeed, is weak.

Brother H.

It may be broke, but...

Why is it that we like to fix each other?  Husbands like to fix wives.  Parents like to fix their kids.  Siblings like to fix each other.

I have a close family member (at least one that I know of; there are probably others) who wants to fix me.  He wants me to get a job, get out on my own.  He wants me to get back in the pew at church.  All of which is admirable, but, really, doesn't he have better things to do with his time?

As one of the former black sheep of the family, he should know the futility of trying to fix someone the way you want them fixed.  He should also remember the wedge that can be driven between family members when there's one who wants to fix the other.  There was a wedge between him and the rest of us for a time.  Then, it was driven by others in the family who wanted to fix him.  Now that that particular wedge has been removed and scars healed, he's using it on me.

Remember that we (as a family - I do not exclude myself from blame) already drove one family member away - to Tennessee - because we couldn't/wouldn't accept him "as is".  I've seriously considered following suit and just leaving Utah because I feel I don't fit in with the family.

Why do we do this to each other?  Why do we get so excited to fix each other that we end up only driving them farther away?  Why do we make it so phone calls go unanswered because it's really not pleasant for me to hear, "I want to support you... but..." and unspoken but still heard, "it's got to be this way."?

Look, I have a mind, a brain and free will.  I know what's right; I know what's wrong.  I know that you love me, and I so appreciate that.  But there are things I need to learn and things I need to figure out in my own way and according to my own timetable.  I promise you that if my health was not so fragile, I'd go to work on a construction crew this week to bring in more bacon.  As it is, I'm helping dad in financial and other ways.  Dad and I have discussed this, and he says if others resent me being here, well, they don't need to.  Ask him.

In the meantime, call me with some good news.  Share with me what's going on in your life.  How's the job?  Family okay?  Kids having a good time?  Great.

But if you start trying to fix me, that may be the last time I answer your call.

But I will still love you.

Always.

Brother H.

My Jonah Complex

Most of us, I presume, have heard the story of Jonah, the Old Testament Prophet.  For those who need a refresher, here's the basic outline:

Jonah was called by God to preach repentance to the people of Ninevah.  He didn't want to.  He hopped on board a ship to escape the Lord, but the Lord, of course, wasn't fooled.  While on the ship, the weather got nasty and Jonah fessed up that he was the likely cause of the storm.  Despite his shipmates' objections, he jumped overboard to spare the lives of everyone else on the ship.  While overboard, a big fish swallowed Jonah, took him back to Ninevah and spit him out.

Okay, so there's a little more to the story, but for the purposes of this post, that's all we need to cover.  Because I have become a Jonah.  I have a Jonah Complex.  I have been running from the Lord.

I really wish I could explain my church inactivity, my sins and transgressions that keep me from going to my meetings, but I don't even really know myself.  I have friends and family who (for the most part) very gently try getting me back in the pews where I belong, but thus far, none of them have had any success.

Odd thing is, every single Saturday, I commit to myself and usually to others that I will be going the next day.  I even make my commitment public, like on Facebook, hoping that will help me be more accountable and less able to squirm out of getting up and going the next day.

But invariably, I don't go.

There are more reasons for not going than running from the Lord.  I wouldn't call them excuses, really, but I am the one involved, so how objective can I be?  

One of the major things that keeps me from going (other than the Jonah Complex) is my pain.  When I first get up in the morning, my back pain is nearly off the charts.  It takes a good 2 to 3 hours for my meds to kick in and my back to limber up.  Once I'm at the limbered-up point, I can take a shower and get myself dressed without much difficulty.  But in the intervening hours, I think to myself, why go to all the bother?

Excuses, really, are all I have.  But don't give up on me.  Even if you and I give up on me, I know the Lord won't.

In the meantime, if you're heading out to the lake on your boat, it may be best for you to not allow me to board.

Brother H