New Horizons

In my last post, I told you about the miracle of two friends coming to my financial rescue.  Well, the miracles continue.

As you may know, the management of the Apartments where dad lives told me I need to leave.  I am to be out by Tuesday at latest.

The money I received really reduced the stress level, but I wasn't so sure I wanted to go stay in the Bishop's Closet again.  It's a great resource when needed, but it's one step above the homeless shelter.  Not that there's anything wrong with being homeless, I just prefer not to be.

A few posts ago, I told you about my nephew, Jason.  He and his sweet family have been visiting family here in Utah.  Tomorrow they leave for Missouri.  They're taking back a few extra pounds of luggage - and me.  I don't know how long I'll be there, but it will be nice to get out and see the country.  And it will be really nice to be with them.

The Lord was involved in this, too.  Again, last minute, me worrying, Heavenly Father soothing my fears and preparing the way.

I do worry about dad.  I hope my sibs and his grandchildren and friends can help pick up the slack and come see him.  A lot.  Keep him company.  Soothe his fears.

This will be the last post for a few days or more.  I'm going to enjoy the trip.  And the destination.  May God be with you til we meet again.

Family.  Isn't it about.... time?

Brother H.

Highlights of a Great Week

This has been a great week for me, setbacks and roadblocks notwithstanding.  Some highlights:

Yesterday while I was outside in the parking lot of the Senior Apartment Complex a car drove up and parked.  I didn't recognize the woman driving, but the passenger was someone who lives here.  She's a Bosnian refugee who has been here for 11 years.  I wouldn't say she's elderly, but she is about 15 years older than me.

The driver introduced herself as Amy - a friend of the passenger.  Amy had a thick Bosnian accent but spoke English well.

She pointed to the Awesomemobile I was leaning against (a 1980's stationwagon sans the awesome paneling) and asked if it was my car.  I told her it was my dads.  Then, the passenger began talking and Amy translated.  They wanted to know if I could drive her to Lowe's to get a sheet of particle board and have it cut.  Amy's car was obviously too small to put the lumber in.  I told her I'd be happy to help.

So, today, I picked up my Bosnian friend at 3:00 sharp and we drove the mile or so to the hardware store.  We both chatted back and forth, not understanding a single word the other was saying, but it was fun!

At the hardware store, my friend produced a slip of paper with the exact dimensions of what she needed and the workers took over.  We were in and out in no time and then I helped her install the board under her couch cushions.  Apparently a board under the cushions keeps them from slipping off the sofa.  Who knew?

After that, my friend asked me to meet her outside again in about 15 minutes and I had the opportunity to drive her to the bank.

I have to say, this was a highlight of my day - my week, even.  At one point, my friend offered to pay me but I thought, "why?"  I had the chance to help out someone who has been very friendly and welcoming to me, and I got to learn a few extra words in Bosnian.

***

Another Highlight - 

On Monday and Tuesday, I got to see my nephew Jason, his wife, Corie and their kids Kyle and Kylie - along with my niece, Dena and her girlfriend Marisa.  I hadn't seen Jason in a decade, and had never met Corie or their kids.  It was really great to see them and catch up with them.  I'm really proud of Jason.  He's a volunteer firefighter in his town of Fairview, Missouri.  The photo above is of him fighting a fire.  Not to be left out, I'm also proud of Dena and love her and all my brother Mark's kids.  They're good people.  They've been through a lot - more than I could take, for sure.

***

Not such a fun Highlight - 

Also on Tuesday, my dad told me that Gary, the manager of the Senior Apartments told him it was time for me to go.  When dad came in the apartment, he began that conversation with, "Do you want the bad news or the bad news?"  Kinda sucks when your dad uses your words and phrases against you =)

But you know, as soon as dad told me that I needed to leave, I felt a peace and calm I can't explain in human terms.  It just felt right.  I decided then that it must be what the Lord wants for me.  I have no idea where I'll land or where I'll go next week, but I know that as long as I trust in the Lord (or try my best to, anyway), the result will be what He wants.  What He wants is what I want.

A couple of hurdles cropped up immediately.  I had made a payment arrangement with a bill collector to withdraw payments for a bill every other week, but the agent made a mistake and withdrew this week, too.  That left me with a whopping $28 in my account.

Then, I called the Home Inn where I plan to go for a few weeks at least, and they said they had a room immediately.  Since I want to pay by the week, I confirmed the weekly rate - $80/week.  The manager said yes, that's the rate, but they have a policy that they require at least 2 weeks payment up front.  This threw me off, so I sent a quick text to my former bishop who owns the Home Inns and he said yes, that's their policy and no, he won't intervene for me for an exception.

So, I'm not quite sure what to do.  But, it's not up to me.  When the Lord counseled (commanded?) to trust not in the arm of flesh, I believe He was including my own flesh.  I need to trust in Him and Him alone.  When I try to take over, well, let's just say things don't go well most of the time.  What's the scripture?  Oh, yeah.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding."  (Proverbs 3:5)

That sounds pretty clear to me.  It's simple.  Not easy.  But simple.

***

Today, I had the opportunity to go to lunch with my brother, Tim.  So good to spend an hour or so with one of the great heroes of my life.

***

The final Highlight so far this week -

I met with my bishop this week.  We had a good talk.  Even though I'm moving, he said we can keep my records in the ward here.  I also committed to attending church and paying my tithing.  He had so many good things to say about my dad - things I already know.  The bishop also said he would give me a calling as soon as he could, and highly encouraged me to get involved in serving others.  I like the idea.  And, though this was the first time I met him, I liked him immediately.  He's pretty young (I would be surprised to find out he's had his 30th birthday yet), but I know he's connected with the Lord.

So, those are the highlights.  It's been a week of ups and downs, but I'm choosing to trust in the Lord (as His ways are not mine) and focus on the ups.

Hope you're having a good week.

Brother H.

Seeing Light

I've been having some medical and financial struggles lately.  Dealing with a vicious cycle.  My pain (Chronic Myofascial Pain and possible Fibromyalgia syndrome) really flared up this week, starting on Sunday.  I was going to go to church with A and my dad, but I couldn't even get into the shower and put my suit on.


I called the pain clinic who basically has me under contract to see them and them alone for any pain care, which makes sense to me.  There are too many instances of prescription drug abuse and accidental overdoses with prescription pain medication.  So, I called the pain clinic yesterday to see if I could come in.  However, because of some past bills that went to collection, the office manager told me they have been preparing to discharge me from their care.


Of course this would happen at the tail end of my pain pills running out.


I asked Allie, the office manager, if I could come in if I paid out of pocket for the office visit.  She said she needed to check with the doctors and she would call me back.


In the meantime, I called the collection agent who had been trying to reach me and made payment arrangements and they said that the pain clinic could verify that a payment has been made and that additional payments have been arranged.


I called the clinic back and asked to speak to Allie, but was told she was on the other line.  I then asked the nice lady to give her a message letting her know about the payment to see if that would help.  I was told that I should get a call back from Allie either later yesterday afternoon or this morning.


Guess who didn't call?


So, it was off to the emergency room.  By this time the pain was so excruciating, I was crying.  My dear old dad changed some of his plans and was kind enough to drive me to the hospital.  I wouldn't have dared, since the pain itself was so distracting, I wouldn't have been safe on the roads.


(By the way, in our runnings around today, I learned that I need to take my dad with me more often.  The cute old guy is a total chick magnet!)


The doc at the ER was very kind.  He gave me an Rx for a short supply of pain meds and urged me to work with either the pain clinic or a new provider.  We went to the pharmacy to get the Rx filled and had lunch at Maceys Deli - they have really good pizza by the way.  And then we came home.


As soon as I got home, I tried reaching Allie again, but had to leave her a voicemail.


In addition to all else, I am working with the social worker here at the senior apartments to get on Medicaid.  She's been very helpful!  She keeps telling me how nice it is for me to be here to take care of dad.  I don't really do much, just make sure he can hear things and basic stuff like that.


Realizing I don't have very much in the way of pain meds to keep me going for long, I called the doc that used to see mama and got an appointment with him.  March 7!


So, I really don't know what to do.  Two weeks without any meds at all really isn't something I look forward to!


***


On a personal/family note, I heard from my sister today.  She told me she loves me and always will.  That one message was an incredible relief.  Forgiveness may or may not come, but at least she loves me.


Heard from another family member with basically the same message.  She was another one I hurt.  I realize I've been worrying about the wrong things.  I've been worrying about how I feel about the situation - not about how they feel.  I've been doing it backwards.


This really isn't about me.  Yes, it started because of me, but I need to focus on my repentance and healing and stop focusing on how all this is affecting me.  I am not the victim.


All in all, I really can see more clearly now.  I am seeing light.  Day by day, I'm learning (or re-learning) to rely on the Lord and His mercy, grace and unconditional love.


May He bless us all.


Brother H.

Wilt Thou Comfort my Soul in Christ

I have been feeling a greater measure of peace in my life.  I attribute that peace wholly to a kind, benevolent and wise Heavenly Father who sees beyond the maze of walls I face in mortality.  On my part, I attribute it to more faithfully reading the scriptures (specifically the Book of Mormon) and praying that Heavenly Father would soften my heart toward my family.  It's been a rough week, but, as my beautiful sister likes to sing, "I Can See Clearly Now the Rain is Gone".

Dad and I are getting along quite well.  Sure, he repeats some of the same stories, but I do too, I'm sure.  He likes to sing, and some of the songs he serenades me with, I haven't heard in decades.  He's really worried about his finances and he's told me how much he appreciates that I've been buying the groceries, taking him to lunch, etc.  That makes me feel good - that I've been in a position to help him financially rather than be a financial burden to him.  The only problem with that is that the more I spend here, the less I can save for my own place,  But, the Lord will provide.  He always does.

Truly today I am feeling that my prayers for my soul to be comforted in Christ are being answered.

Brother H.

Baby Talk

It's strange for me to be defined as the baby of the family, though technically, that's true.  I am the eighth child of eight children.  For most of our lives, we've gotten along pretty well, though of course our varied personalities, tastes and quirks made for some interesting interactions from time to time.

However, I don't define myself that way.  I am an adult, nearly half-century old, who makes mistakes, has dreams and aspirations and does the best he can with what he's got.  Like others, I would rather be judged by my intentions than by the followthru.  I am human, and an error-prone one at that.

I know now that some of my family reads this blog.  To you I would like to say, welcome.  You may not always hear the pleasantries of whats going on in my head, but I will try not to offend you.  I love my family.  I know they have my best interest at heart and their intentions are good and noble.

However, I think they still like to think of me as the baby.  Immature.  Spoiled.  In need of constant correction, maybe even a time out.

I make mistakes, yes, and lots of them.  Some of the recent ones have been real doozies.  Hurtful.  Bewildering.  Perhaps even unforgivable.  Bad enough that I know I will do all I can to avoid family gatherings for the time being.  Perhaps for the rest of my days.  I'm sure I've made many feel awkward even calling or visiting dad.  Yet another reason I want to get out and back on my own.

The main reason I feel like this is because when there's a total absence of communication between the offender and the offended, both are left to their imaginations of what's going on in the heart and mind of the other.  In this case, since I've not heard from the party involved, I can only assume that forgiveness is not going to happen.  At least not for now.  Heck, she could hate me for all I know.  The lack of communication here makes it impossible to know.

I worried about all of this so much yesterday, I ended up sedating myself and just going to sleep for awhile.  But for today, I choose not to worry about what others think of me.  As long as I've put it out there that I understand their concerns about the living situation and I'm moving on it... as long as I've apologized again and have asked their forgiveness... well, really, that's all I can do.  I can't obsess on the situation so much that it keeps throwing me into panic attacks.

On the good side, something dad said today made me feel good.  He pointed out that those who are criticizing me for being here as long as I have been don't know the whole story.  I'm not about to boast.  Just know that I've been able to help him in ways others could not.

And with that, I am putting this in God's hands where it all belongs.

Brother H.

Moving on

I feel it's time for me to move on.  In more than a few ways.  Physically.  Spiritually.  Mentally.  Emotionally.  And in any other "ally" ways I can.


I will be moving from dad's place by the end of this month. Hopefully before his birthday, which is ten days away.  My sister (who must know how much I love her and all my sibs), has correctly pointed out that nobody wants to jeopardize dad's living conditions.  Although the manager here has explicitly approved of my being a guest to help dad, it's really making others nervous.  Good motivation to go.


I'm afraid that the wedges and rifts between other family members and me are getting wider.  I take full responsibility for these disconnections, and right now, the only thing I can think of to allow everyone to get back to normal family-hood is for me to excuse myself from the situation and hope that we can all, someday, get back to the closeness we had after the passing of my brother and mother.  During the times that they were in ICU and dying, the family got incredibly close.  Wedges were removed.  Chasms were closed.  Wounds were sutured and hearts mended.  There was forgiveness all around.

Things feel different now.

Is it perception that some of my siblings will never forgive me?  I honestly don't know.  If not, well, that's something I'll just have to live with.  In the meantime, they can hopefully take comfort in the knowledge that I am actively looking for a new place to live; looking for work, and will be out of their hair soon.

I'm a bad person, I get it.  You're a good person.  I get that, too.

Maybe it's simple paranoia, but I sense a "cheeseball party" is being planned in my honor, and if that happens, well, the rift would widen to an unbridgeable canyon.  Such an event would drive me away permanently.  And far away. I hope my sibs know I love them enough to understand their motives, and I dearly love them for who they are.  I only ask that they remember how another one of us felt driven away because he was so different than the rest of us.  Justified in his feelings or not, it was his perception that we (yes, me, too) were willing to love and accept him, but only on our own terms.  That he moved 1,800 miles to get away from us is telling in our family dynamic.  I still cringe knowing that I was apart of what he perceived as loving and accepting him on our terms.


I am willing to make things right with my family and loved ones, but I think this is something only time will heal.  I need to work through my own salvation and repentance process.  That's something nobody else can help me with.  I hope the members of my family who I recently hurt know how sorry I am.  I can't take back what I did.  I can only tell you again that I'm sorry, it won't happen again, and I am trying to forgive myself as well as be open to Heavenly Father's forgiveness.  Whether your forgiveness comes now, later or never, well, I can't worry about that.

I know this may sound like a pity party, but really, I'm okay.

Dad was extremely gracious in allowing me to stay, and the timing was good. He was having eye surgery and needed a seeing eye child.  I was available and it would have been a hardship on the other sibs.  His eye has healed completely, and, well, it's just time to go.

The thing about my present circumstance is that I can pretty much go anywhere.  Lately, I've been considering places in Southern Utah (don't worry, nowhere near where family currently lives).  It's a long drive, that's for sure, but like my dear departed brother, I'm afraid that until my lifestyle more closely represents the lifestyle my sibs want for me, maybe it's best if I just take some time away.  I'm still up in the air about that.

Also, as I mentioned in my last post, I have been trying to read the Book of Mormon more consistently.  Last night, I read the final chapter of Alma and began Helaman.  What great men these two were.  I hope that someday I'll again find the strength to be more like them.  In the meantime, I rely completely on the mercy and grace of my Father in Heaven to see me through, day to day.

I hope you do, too.

With special love to my sibs who I know love me and I love them back,

Brother H.

Hanging on to Sanity... Barely

Ever feel like you're just clinging to your sanity and afraid you're gonna fall at any moment?

I really hate to say it, but today has been a day of frustrations.

More specifically, it's been a day where I've allowed outside influences to frustrate me.  If I am the captain of my soul, how can I blame others for how I react to them?

I have a daddy-daughter date tonight with my beautiful 17 year old step-daughter.  I've been worried about punctuality.  Her biological dad isn't exactly punctual (or even present) so I'm doing all I can to be there when she needs me.  Tonight we're going to coffee and just talk.  I think that's important.

But everything leading up to that has left me in a bit of a tizzy.  I guess my dad (with whom I currently live) wasn't aware that my daughter and I had time set aside tonight and he told a family member we'd be happy to get him from the airport and drive him the 30 or so miles home.  Turned out his flight came in late enough that it started pressing me for time for the date, so I let myself become cranky.

I've also gotten a little cranky because I've heard through the grapevine that others in my family resent my staying with dad for now.  I'm really sorry they feel that way.  It makes me feel bad (but not angry or resentful toward them).  I don't know what they would do in my situation, I really can't judge them.  If any of them are reading this, please know it's temporary, I'm helping dad financially, and we have discussed the situation with the manager here and he is just fine with me staying.  My stay is not jeopardizing dad's living arrangements.  If that were true, I'd move out faster than you could pack me up.  Besides, I didn't hear any offers from anyone else to live with, and you know dad would do it for you if the need was the same.

But again, I digress.

Frustrations, sometimes, seem to get the better of me.  I don't like that about myself, and I'm working on it, but today, I'm afraid I've had to make a few apologies.  If you're reading this and I got frustrated with you today, please know I am sorry!

I suppose, again, I need to learn how to share this charity I have so graciously received with others.  Sometimes I wish I were perfect, but I'm just not.  In the meantime, please forgive me for being so mortal.

And now, off to get ready for my daddy-daughter date.  I'm excited!

Brother H.