The Lord Found Me Again

They found me again.  But this time it was a different companionship.  And I had a different attitude.  Maybe I was prepared.

It's been snowing here this morning.  Usually I go out the side door to smoke, but there's no shelter from the weather there.  So, I was standing on the front landing watching the usually-beautiful but this late in spring annoying snow, when two figures appeared and came down the stairs.  I thought (and actually said it out loud), "Uh oh. Here they come again!"

But this time I was smiling when I said it.  I really was glad to see them.

We chatted for a few minutes.  I found out one elder is from Washington State and the other is from Florida.  Both of them also hope for warmer weather soon.

I put out my cigarette and one of the elders asked if I wanted to quit.  Before I could stop myself, I said, "Desperately!"

He said the mission has a stop smoking program and they would be happy to come by another time to help me - to teach it to me.

I named a day and a time when I figured my roomies wouldn't be here and invited them back.

And, yes, I would have invited them inside, but they were here to see someone in the apartment across from me.


Seems the Lord is trying to get my attention.  He has it.  Time to move forward.  The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, right?  I am taking baby steps.  For the past few days I have begun and ended my day both with prayer and reading from the Book of Mormon.  I wish I could tell you how good that feels. The Spirit has been with me more and more.


I've missed Him.


Have a beautiful Tuesday - even if it is snowing where you are.




Brother H.
 

Missing Family

This is wearing me down.

The more I think about my family, my siblings and their children, my in-laws, the worse I feel for my actions.  I have driven wedges.  I have created canyons between us.

And I don't know how to fix it.

My dad's birthday is coming up and the family will be celebrating.  For dad, I want to be there.  For my family, I want to stay away.

 If I'm there, dad will be happy.  If I'm not there, the rest of the family will likely feel more comfortable.

One of the other hitches in the whole cycle is that my family (all but dad) want me to get out and move on.  I understand their concerns.  One sib, a brother, has let me know that he doesn't feel "nervous" about my being here creates a bad situation for dad.  His support is much appreciated but I don't know what the others really feel.

Another brother told me he thought I had a chip on my shoulder.  If so, it was placed there completely unintentionally.  I don't dislike my family.  I love them very much.  I honestly just don't know where to go from here.  I don't know how to strike that fine balance between being my own man, helping dad and gaining forgiveness from those I hurt.  I've done nothing like that since the incident, but I feel like it will take forever to regain love, trust and forgiveness from those I've hurt.

In the meantime, I continue to try growing closer to God and that has been really helpful.  Reading the Book of Mormon on a daily basis has brought me incredible peace.

I pray that we may all find healing in our hearts, our minds and our family relationships.

Brother H.

Wilt Thou Comfort my Soul in Christ

I have been feeling a greater measure of peace in my life.  I attribute that peace wholly to a kind, benevolent and wise Heavenly Father who sees beyond the maze of walls I face in mortality.  On my part, I attribute it to more faithfully reading the scriptures (specifically the Book of Mormon) and praying that Heavenly Father would soften my heart toward my family.  It's been a rough week, but, as my beautiful sister likes to sing, "I Can See Clearly Now the Rain is Gone".

Dad and I are getting along quite well.  Sure, he repeats some of the same stories, but I do too, I'm sure.  He likes to sing, and some of the songs he serenades me with, I haven't heard in decades.  He's really worried about his finances and he's told me how much he appreciates that I've been buying the groceries, taking him to lunch, etc.  That makes me feel good - that I've been in a position to help him financially rather than be a financial burden to him.  The only problem with that is that the more I spend here, the less I can save for my own place,  But, the Lord will provide.  He always does.

Truly today I am feeling that my prayers for my soul to be comforted in Christ are being answered.

Brother H.

Trusting in the Arm of Flesh

I chose the title of this post because it very recently hit me - the solution to all my angst, stress, pressure and - well - all the negative feelings of late.

I need to stop trusting in the arm of flesh.  This means people.  Humans.  Mortals.  Those whose spirits are currently adorned with flesh.  I need to stop trusting in flesh I've relied on for nearly a half-century.  My own.

When this idea came to me, it was more than an idea.  I knew it was pure inspiration.  Pure revelation.  Relevant to all I've been dealing with.  God alone knows my heart, my intentions, my sins and my efforts to repent of my sins.  He alone knows why I am the way I am and how much of who I am is changeable according to my mission and His will, plan and timing.

Despite the beautiful song by Frank Sinatra, I cannot continue trying to do it my way.  When I do, I fail.

I wish I could take the jumbled up feelings I've been experiencing and somehow download it just so others who are trying to figure me out could better understand the challenges I'm facing.  The transgressions, sins, mistakes, etc., some are the normal garden-variety of things we all face from time to time.  But in each of us, I believe, there are things we deal with that others who have not dealt with just could not understand.

If you've ever been addicted to nicotine, have you ever tried to explain to someone who has never smoked what it's like to try and quit?

If you've never been addicted to nicotine, has a smoker ever tried to explain it to you?  Did you fully understand, or did you mentally roll your eyes and think, "Come on, it can't be that hard to quit"?

On the parts of both of you, there is a communication gap. You can explain it - you can listen to it - all day long.  But, unless there's an experiential relationship, you're both going to fail on some level.

Some members of my family know that besides nicotine, I have other addictions that I won't go into here.  I'm sure you wonder why I did what I did.  Hell, I wonder why I did what I did, too.  Any attempt to explain, I fear, would be taken by them as an alibi.  An excuse.  A way to explain away my behavior without taking honest responsibility.

However, I have been trying to figure it out and though I understand some of it, I don't understand it all.  I can tell you that, at the time at least, it was an overwhelming compulsion borne of events that happened years ago.  I can tell you how very sorry I am (and mean it with all my soul), but I sense that only time will heal these particular wounds.  I will not excuse myself.  I will not give an alibi.

One of the problems that gets in the way of healing on both sides of the issue is that some things we do to each other create great canyons of emotional distance.  We may still love each other, but trust needs time to be rebuilt.  Rome wasn't built in a day, and I am sure the trust I want to earn back could take years.

But it's not up to me.  And this is where that pure inspiration comes into play.

As much as I want the unconditional love, the forgiveness and the trust back from my family, that is simply out of my control.  That is something I absolutely cannot trust the arm of flesh to fix.  Not my flesh.  Not their flesh.

I can only trust my wise Heavenly Father to lead me (and sometimes carry me) down the path of repentance and to the cross of my Savior who both paid for these sins and suffered the hurt, disappointment and anger that family members may carry towards me.  He did this so that He could have the hands-on experience by feeling these exact feelings, exactly as they feel them, and I feel them.  Only with this hands-on experience is He able to walk us down our paths, and hopefully, back into the arms of each other.

***

On another note, as mentioned in a previous post, I was going to try my best to read from the Book of Mormon at least once a day - one chapter a day.

Today I read the 4th chapter of Helaman.  There are some real life parallels for me there that relate to the theme of this post.  By relying in my own arm of flesh, I have essentially been telling God, "Hey, I can do this.  I'll let you know if I need You."

That sounds like boastful pride to me.  According to the record in this chapter, when we boast in our own strength, He leaves us in our own strength.  And justifiably so.  

Since turning things over to Him and not taking them back; since reading daily from this life-changing book (The Book of Mormon), I have begun to feel so much peace.  For the first time in weeks, I have really felt the Holy Ghost.  It's amazing to me that He knows I'm so far from perfect, and yet sends this beautiful member of the Godhead to me.

Now is the time for me to let go and let God.

Thank you for your support, your prayers and your encouraging comments.  I appreciate you.

Brother H.

Moving on

I feel it's time for me to move on.  In more than a few ways.  Physically.  Spiritually.  Mentally.  Emotionally.  And in any other "ally" ways I can.


I will be moving from dad's place by the end of this month. Hopefully before his birthday, which is ten days away.  My sister (who must know how much I love her and all my sibs), has correctly pointed out that nobody wants to jeopardize dad's living conditions.  Although the manager here has explicitly approved of my being a guest to help dad, it's really making others nervous.  Good motivation to go.


I'm afraid that the wedges and rifts between other family members and me are getting wider.  I take full responsibility for these disconnections, and right now, the only thing I can think of to allow everyone to get back to normal family-hood is for me to excuse myself from the situation and hope that we can all, someday, get back to the closeness we had after the passing of my brother and mother.  During the times that they were in ICU and dying, the family got incredibly close.  Wedges were removed.  Chasms were closed.  Wounds were sutured and hearts mended.  There was forgiveness all around.

Things feel different now.

Is it perception that some of my siblings will never forgive me?  I honestly don't know.  If not, well, that's something I'll just have to live with.  In the meantime, they can hopefully take comfort in the knowledge that I am actively looking for a new place to live; looking for work, and will be out of their hair soon.

I'm a bad person, I get it.  You're a good person.  I get that, too.

Maybe it's simple paranoia, but I sense a "cheeseball party" is being planned in my honor, and if that happens, well, the rift would widen to an unbridgeable canyon.  Such an event would drive me away permanently.  And far away. I hope my sibs know I love them enough to understand their motives, and I dearly love them for who they are.  I only ask that they remember how another one of us felt driven away because he was so different than the rest of us.  Justified in his feelings or not, it was his perception that we (yes, me, too) were willing to love and accept him, but only on our own terms.  That he moved 1,800 miles to get away from us is telling in our family dynamic.  I still cringe knowing that I was apart of what he perceived as loving and accepting him on our terms.


I am willing to make things right with my family and loved ones, but I think this is something only time will heal.  I need to work through my own salvation and repentance process.  That's something nobody else can help me with.  I hope the members of my family who I recently hurt know how sorry I am.  I can't take back what I did.  I can only tell you again that I'm sorry, it won't happen again, and I am trying to forgive myself as well as be open to Heavenly Father's forgiveness.  Whether your forgiveness comes now, later or never, well, I can't worry about that.

I know this may sound like a pity party, but really, I'm okay.

Dad was extremely gracious in allowing me to stay, and the timing was good. He was having eye surgery and needed a seeing eye child.  I was available and it would have been a hardship on the other sibs.  His eye has healed completely, and, well, it's just time to go.

The thing about my present circumstance is that I can pretty much go anywhere.  Lately, I've been considering places in Southern Utah (don't worry, nowhere near where family currently lives).  It's a long drive, that's for sure, but like my dear departed brother, I'm afraid that until my lifestyle more closely represents the lifestyle my sibs want for me, maybe it's best if I just take some time away.  I'm still up in the air about that.

Also, as I mentioned in my last post, I have been trying to read the Book of Mormon more consistently.  Last night, I read the final chapter of Alma and began Helaman.  What great men these two were.  I hope that someday I'll again find the strength to be more like them.  In the meantime, I rely completely on the mercy and grace of my Father in Heaven to see me through, day to day.

I hope you do, too.

With special love to my sibs who I know love me and I love them back,

Brother H.

Lovers of their own selves...

(2 Timothy 3:2)

When did my current selfish phase begin?  When did I start perceiving the world as an orb that rotates around me?  At what point did I begin seeing others as unimportant bit players and extras in my movie, with me in the starring role?

I guess I've been so caught up in this selfish phase that I didn't even notice it until today.  I could say I don't know where the thought came from, but I really do.  Inspiration.  Revelation.  The still, small voice whispering to me, letting me know something was wrong, and that something was that for several weeks, I have been thinking and acting like it was all about me, me, me.

Firstly, if you're one of the people who I've treated badly recently (or really at any point in our relationship), let me apologize profusely.  There is no excuse for bad behavior, and I certainly won't try to make one.  I am sorry.

Secondly, a good friend of mine, LW, helped me find the missing piece to this puzzle of me vs. the world.  I had asked her how it was she was able to be so strong, and I told her I needed a hobby - something to keep me from straying into boredom which almost always leads me into trouble.  Her reply was simple, but it was what I needed.

"Read the scriptures"

So, beginning today, I am going back to reading at least one chapter of the Book of Mormon.  Regardless of how I might try to excuse myself from this daily goal, I'm going to do it.  I need the spiritual strength and sustenance that comes from this daily practice.  I was going to say "daily routine", but I have never had a routine experience with this grand book that I love so much, and I don't plan to.  Ever.

If you'd like to help hold me accountable, I would welcome it.  I will be posting on Facebook every day when I've completed my reading.  I may simply post the book and chapter I've just read, but I may also post some insights or questions for my Facebook friends.

If you and I are not yet connected on Facebook, feel free to request.  My profile can be found here.

Maybe by getting back to daily reading, I can find the answer to the question of this post.

When did it become all about me?

Brother H.

Who Am I?

When I was a teenager, there was a traveling LDS show called Saturday's Warrior.  I realize not everyone liked it and now I suspect fewer have heard of it.

But I both loved it and still remember the messages.

One in particular was a song sung by the character Jimmy Flinders - "Who Am I?"

This question has dogged me for years until in 2003 I began finding answers at, of all places, Historic Temple Square in Salt Lake City.  The sister missionaries kindly challenged me to find out for myself.  I read and re-read the Book of Mormon - Another Testament of Jesus Christ. I allowed the sisters to continue challenging me.  I allowed the Spirit into my life and He changed my life.

But something's happened.  A lot of somethings, really.  I have fallen away.  I have become inactive.  I sit here sipping my coffee, taking a few minutes here and there to step out for a smoke.

It is these (and other) sins and transgressions that make me want to stay anonymous in this blog.  I want to be upfront and honest with you.  I shall not confess my sins to you.  As should be, they are between me and the Lord, and if egregious enough, then they are between me, the Lord and my priesthood authority.   I also hope that my honesty gives you a measure of hope and a knowledge that you are not alone in your struggles to be good and righteous and acceptable to the Lord and His Church.  Whatever you do - do not give up on you or on the Lord.

I hope you'll follow me along (and comment when you feel like it) as I try to discover what happened and how I can return, for I will return.  Know this, brother and sister, you are loved by God, regardless of your current level of faith and faithfulness.  He knows you and He loves you regardless of how you feel about Him or about yourself.

I don't know how often I will post, but I hope enough to give you hope, but not so much to bore or overwhelm you.

Brother H.