In my last post, I told you about the miracle of two friends coming to my financial rescue. Well, the miracles continue.
As you may know, the management of the Apartments where dad lives told me I need to leave. I am to be out by Tuesday at latest.
The money I received really reduced the stress level, but I wasn't so sure I wanted to go stay in the Bishop's Closet again. It's a great resource when needed, but it's one step above the homeless shelter. Not that there's anything wrong with being homeless, I just prefer not to be.
A few posts ago, I told you about my nephew, Jason. He and his sweet family have been visiting family here in Utah. Tomorrow they leave for Missouri. They're taking back a few extra pounds of luggage - and me. I don't know how long I'll be there, but it will be nice to get out and see the country. And it will be really nice to be with them.
The Lord was involved in this, too. Again, last minute, me worrying, Heavenly Father soothing my fears and preparing the way.
I do worry about dad. I hope my sibs and his grandchildren and friends can help pick up the slack and come see him. A lot. Keep him company. Soothe his fears.
This will be the last post for a few days or more. I'm going to enjoy the trip. And the destination. May God be with you til we meet again.
Family. Isn't it about.... time?
Brother H.
I've been having some medical and financial struggles lately. Dealing with a vicious cycle. My pain (Chronic Myofascial Pain and possible Fibromyalgia syndrome) really flared up this week, starting on Sunday. I was going to go to church with A and my dad, but I couldn't even get into the shower and put my suit on.
I called the pain clinic who basically has me under contract to see them and them alone for any pain care, which makes sense to me. There are too many instances of prescription drug abuse and accidental overdoses with prescription pain medication. So, I called the pain clinic yesterday to see if I could come in. However, because of some past bills that went to collection, the office manager told me they have been preparing to discharge me from their care.
Of course this would happen at the tail end of my pain pills running out.
I asked Allie, the office manager, if I could come in if I paid out of pocket for the office visit. She said she needed to check with the doctors and she would call me back.
In the meantime, I called the collection agent who had been trying to reach me and made payment arrangements and they said that the pain clinic could verify that a payment has been made and that additional payments have been arranged.
I called the clinic back and asked to speak to Allie, but was told she was on the other line. I then asked the nice lady to give her a message letting her know about the payment to see if that would help. I was told that I should get a call back from Allie either later yesterday afternoon or this morning.
Guess who didn't call?
So, it was off to the emergency room. By this time the pain was so excruciating, I was crying. My dear old dad changed some of his plans and was kind enough to drive me to the hospital. I wouldn't have dared, since the pain itself was so distracting, I wouldn't have been safe on the roads.
(By the way, in our runnings around today, I learned that I need to take my dad with me more often. The cute old guy is a total chick magnet!)
The doc at the ER was very kind. He gave me an Rx for a short supply of pain meds and urged me to work with either the pain clinic or a new provider. We went to the pharmacy to get the Rx filled and had lunch at Maceys Deli - they have really good pizza by the way. And then we came home.
As soon as I got home, I tried reaching Allie again, but had to leave her a voicemail.
In addition to all else, I am working with the social worker here at the senior apartments to get on Medicaid. She's been very helpful! She keeps telling me how nice it is for me to be here to take care of dad. I don't really do much, just make sure he can hear things and basic stuff like that.
Realizing I don't have very much in the way of pain meds to keep me going for long, I called the doc that used to see mama and got an appointment with him. March 7!
So, I really don't know what to do. Two weeks without any meds at all really isn't something I look forward to!
***
On a personal/family note, I heard from my sister today. She told me she loves me and always will. That one message was an incredible relief. Forgiveness may or may not come, but at least she loves me.
Heard from another family member with basically the same message. She was another one I hurt. I realize I've been worrying about the wrong things. I've been worrying about how I feel about the situation - not about how they feel. I've been doing it backwards.
This really isn't about me. Yes, it started because of me, but I need to focus on my repentance and healing and stop focusing on how all this is affecting me. I am not the victim.
All in all, I really can see more clearly now. I am seeing light. Day by day, I'm learning (or re-learning) to rely on the Lord and His mercy, grace and unconditional love.
May He bless us all.
Brother H.
I chose the title of this post because it very recently hit me - the solution to all my angst, stress, pressure and - well - all the negative feelings of late.
I need to stop trusting in the arm of flesh. This means people. Humans. Mortals. Those whose spirits are currently adorned with flesh. I need to stop trusting in flesh I've relied on for nearly a half-century. My own.
When this idea came to me, it was more than an idea. I knew it was pure inspiration. Pure revelation. Relevant to all I've been dealing with. God alone knows my heart, my intentions, my sins and my efforts to repent of my sins. He alone knows why I am the way I am and how much of who I am is changeable according to my mission and His will, plan and timing.
Despite the beautiful song by Frank Sinatra, I cannot continue trying to do it my way. When I do, I fail.
I wish I could take the jumbled up feelings I've been experiencing and somehow download it just so others who are trying to figure me out could better understand the challenges I'm facing. The transgressions, sins, mistakes, etc., some are the normal garden-variety of things we all face from time to time. But in each of us, I believe, there are things we deal with that others who have not dealt with just could not understand.
If you've ever been addicted to nicotine, have you ever tried to explain to someone who has never smoked what it's like to try and quit?
If you've never been addicted to nicotine, has a smoker ever tried to explain it to you? Did you fully understand, or did you mentally roll your eyes and think, "Come on, it can't be that hard to quit"?
On the parts of both of you, there is a communication gap. You can explain it - you can listen to it - all day long. But, unless there's an experiential relationship, you're both going to fail on some level.
Some members of my family know that besides nicotine, I have other addictions that I won't go into here. I'm sure you wonder why I did what I did. Hell, I wonder why I did what I did, too. Any attempt to explain, I fear, would be taken by them as an alibi. An excuse. A way to explain away my behavior without taking honest responsibility.
However, I have been trying to figure it out and though I understand some of it, I don't understand it all. I can tell you that, at the time at least, it was an overwhelming compulsion borne of events that happened years ago. I can tell you how very sorry I am (and mean it with all my soul), but I sense that only time will heal these particular wounds. I will not excuse myself. I will not give an alibi.
One of the problems that gets in the way of healing on both sides of the issue is that some things we do to each other create great canyons of emotional distance. We may still love each other, but trust needs time to be rebuilt. Rome wasn't built in a day, and I am sure the trust I want to earn back could take years.
But it's not up to me. And this is where that pure inspiration comes into play.
As much as I want the unconditional love, the forgiveness and the trust back from my family, that is simply out of my control. That is something I absolutely cannot trust the arm of flesh to fix. Not my flesh. Not their flesh.
I can only trust my wise Heavenly Father to lead me (and sometimes carry me) down the path of repentance and to the cross of my Savior who both paid for these sins and suffered the hurt, disappointment and anger that family members may carry towards me. He did this so that He could have the hands-on experience by feeling these exact feelings, exactly as they feel them, and I feel them. Only with this hands-on experience is He able to walk us down our paths, and hopefully, back into the arms of each other.
***
On another note, as mentioned in a previous post, I was going to try my best to read from the Book of Mormon at least once a day - one chapter a day.
Today I read the 4th chapter of Helaman. There are some real life parallels for me there that relate to the theme of this post. By relying in my own arm of flesh, I have essentially been telling God, "Hey, I can do this. I'll let you know if I need You."
That sounds like boastful pride to me. According to the record in this chapter, when we boast in our own strength, He leaves us in our own strength. And justifiably so.
Since turning things over to Him and not taking them back; since reading daily from this life-changing book (The Book of Mormon), I have begun to feel so much peace. For the first time in weeks, I have really felt the Holy Ghost. It's amazing to me that He knows I'm so far from perfect, and yet sends this beautiful member of the Godhead to me.
Now is the time for me to let go and let God.
Thank you for your support, your prayers and your encouraging comments. I appreciate you.
Brother H.
