He Knows Your Heart

I had a good, long phone conversation with a friend yesterday.  It was good to catch up with her.


Something she said, though, got me to thinking - got me to think about how I talk to others, especially within the framework of the church and gospel.


By her own admission, this friend was a spiritual child, one who knew of God and had tasted of his goodness from a very early age.  Her parents broke up and divorced when she was in elementary school, and her mom kept physical custody of her.  She saw her dad on Tuesdays and Sundays, the only days available to spend time with him.


When she was twelve, a member of her bishopric asked why she hadn't been going to church on Sunday and primary on Tuesdays (this was in the 1970s, before the three hour block schedule we now have).  She told him that those were the only days she could spend time with her dad.  He then asked, well-meaning, I'm sure, what was more important - to spend time with her dad or go to church.


What would your answer be?


Her answer was that she felt it more important to spend time with her father.  He, the member of the bishopric, told her that the right answer should have been church.


Since that time, my friend has not returned to church, now doubts her testimony and has since engaged in some pretty self-destructive behavior.


It's this situation, and others like it I've both learned about and experienced for myself, that leads me to wonder what we inadvertently do to each other when we interact with others.  Because he made my friend, only twelve at the time, make a decision between family and church, he poisoned her thinking about what the gospel is supposed to be about.  Well meaning as he was, the damage was done.


Now, I'm a firm believer that, as we age and grow and mature, we must take ownership of our own decisions when we can (there are a host of situations the Lord is aware of where we may not be able to do that - our past, addictions, decisions and hurts forced upon us by others) - but you can see how easy it would be for a child, faced with the choices my friend was given, to grow up doubting the tender mercies of the Lord through His servants.


So, yeah, this got me thinking a lot.  It's helped me to see that I really need to be careful in how I talk to others, especially in the framework of the gospel.  We're all different.  We've all had different trials and family situations. Not one of us is exactly alike.


Therefore, I will try my best to see others as Heavenly Father sees them. I will try to refrain from unrighteous judgement and remember that He, God alone, knows their hearts.


And, in the meantime, I will pray for mercy to be with all of us, no matter our background, our upbringing or our situation now.


I hope you have a good Sabbath, full of His peace, love and grace.




Bro H.

Watch this, Mommy!

Today is Mother's Day.  I would love to go visit my mama today, but it's a long way to the cemetery and I don't currently have (legal) wheels.  Still, it's a good day to pay tribute and tell you some of the things about Mama that are in my heart.


Mama graduated from her mortal probation on January 16, 2009.  She had been in a coma in ICU for most of the last two days of her life here.  It's interesting to note that she chose that particular day to leave us. Had she gone on either of the previous two days, either my brother or sister would have had life-long reminders of her passing on their birthdays for the rest of their lives.


That was mama - considerate to the end.


Whenever I think of mama, I think of all things good and beautiful.  She was a kind woman - one who lived the gospel of Jesus Christ to the end.  It was sad in the last several years of her life knowing how dearly she loved to congregate with the Saints on Sundays, but not being able to attend her worship meetings.  Still, she never lost faith.


When I was very small, I would play in the backyard of our home in Hunter, and occasionally call out - "Watch this, mommy!" as I did something particularly acrobatic or daring.  And she always did.  Whether she was doing dishes in the kitchen or weeding the garden, she always took time to look and watch whatever I was doing to impress her.  That kind of attention means the world to any child, and especially to this little boy.


As I grew older, there came a time in my life (as I suppose it does in many of our lives), when I was embarrassed to be seen with her.  I regret I felt that way, but knowing that nearly all teenagers put their parents through that stage of awkwardness helps soothe my conscience a little.  Yes, there were times when I asked her to drop me off down the street from a friend's house or a block away from the school.  But looking back, I can honestly say that I was proud to have Marian Lund Hofheins as my mama, and I was proud to be her boy.


It wasn't until the very end that I accepted her calling me the baby of the family.  Though deep down inside, I was and always had been a mama's boy, I would never freely admit it.


Funny how the passage of time and the death of mama has brought me back to the point of wanting to do something silly or profound and say, "Watch this, mommy!"


I am now proud to carry the titles she lovingly gave me:


Mama's boy
Baby of the family
Jamie


I trust that she is up there, in the Paradise part of the Spirit World and is indeed watching over me.  I know she is helping me in ways that she could not possibly help had she still been here in that frail body so full of pain and anguish and confusion.  I believe with all my heart that she has been and continues to be rewarded for the fine example of Christian charity she actively showed throughout her life.


And, perhaps most importantly of all, I know that whatever I am doing, all I have to do is think, "Watch this, mama!"


And she will stop whatever she's doing, look out her window in Paradise, and smile.


I love you, Mama.  Happy Mother's Day.




Brother H.

Consistent Gratitude

Photo ©2011 James Hofheins. All Rights Reserved. For information: artbyjameshofheins@gmail.com

It's been some time since I've posted.  I apologize for the wait.

I have a cousin who lives in Nevada and every morning she sends me and others a text message outlining five things she is grateful for that day.  When I read her message this morning, a very strong impression came to me.

The importance of daily gratitude.

My cousin has it right.  She not only feels grateful, she acknowledges it and shares it with others.  How many mornings do I wake up and, at least mentally, grumble about my pain, my problems and what I don't have?  I have so much to be grateful for!

For the most part, I have good health.  I have friends who support me, who appreciate me and who go out of their way to let me know.  I have family who love me, regardless of my sins and mistakes.  I have a roof over my head.  I have food both in my cupboards and in my belly.  And most of all, I have a God who is merciful, wise, kind and benevolent.

How can I not be grateful?

I will now endeavor to show my gratitude to Him and to others on a more consistent basis.  I won't be perfect at it, but I am, after all, only human.

Thank you for reading today's blog post.  I am grateful for you.

Brother H.

New Horizons

In my last post, I told you about the miracle of two friends coming to my financial rescue.  Well, the miracles continue.

As you may know, the management of the Apartments where dad lives told me I need to leave.  I am to be out by Tuesday at latest.

The money I received really reduced the stress level, but I wasn't so sure I wanted to go stay in the Bishop's Closet again.  It's a great resource when needed, but it's one step above the homeless shelter.  Not that there's anything wrong with being homeless, I just prefer not to be.

A few posts ago, I told you about my nephew, Jason.  He and his sweet family have been visiting family here in Utah.  Tomorrow they leave for Missouri.  They're taking back a few extra pounds of luggage - and me.  I don't know how long I'll be there, but it will be nice to get out and see the country.  And it will be really nice to be with them.

The Lord was involved in this, too.  Again, last minute, me worrying, Heavenly Father soothing my fears and preparing the way.

I do worry about dad.  I hope my sibs and his grandchildren and friends can help pick up the slack and come see him.  A lot.  Keep him company.  Soothe his fears.

This will be the last post for a few days or more.  I'm going to enjoy the trip.  And the destination.  May God be with you til we meet again.

Family.  Isn't it about.... time?

Brother H.

Highlights of a Great Week

This has been a great week for me, setbacks and roadblocks notwithstanding.  Some highlights:

Yesterday while I was outside in the parking lot of the Senior Apartment Complex a car drove up and parked.  I didn't recognize the woman driving, but the passenger was someone who lives here.  She's a Bosnian refugee who has been here for 11 years.  I wouldn't say she's elderly, but she is about 15 years older than me.

The driver introduced herself as Amy - a friend of the passenger.  Amy had a thick Bosnian accent but spoke English well.

She pointed to the Awesomemobile I was leaning against (a 1980's stationwagon sans the awesome paneling) and asked if it was my car.  I told her it was my dads.  Then, the passenger began talking and Amy translated.  They wanted to know if I could drive her to Lowe's to get a sheet of particle board and have it cut.  Amy's car was obviously too small to put the lumber in.  I told her I'd be happy to help.

So, today, I picked up my Bosnian friend at 3:00 sharp and we drove the mile or so to the hardware store.  We both chatted back and forth, not understanding a single word the other was saying, but it was fun!

At the hardware store, my friend produced a slip of paper with the exact dimensions of what she needed and the workers took over.  We were in and out in no time and then I helped her install the board under her couch cushions.  Apparently a board under the cushions keeps them from slipping off the sofa.  Who knew?

After that, my friend asked me to meet her outside again in about 15 minutes and I had the opportunity to drive her to the bank.

I have to say, this was a highlight of my day - my week, even.  At one point, my friend offered to pay me but I thought, "why?"  I had the chance to help out someone who has been very friendly and welcoming to me, and I got to learn a few extra words in Bosnian.

***

Another Highlight - 

On Monday and Tuesday, I got to see my nephew Jason, his wife, Corie and their kids Kyle and Kylie - along with my niece, Dena and her girlfriend Marisa.  I hadn't seen Jason in a decade, and had never met Corie or their kids.  It was really great to see them and catch up with them.  I'm really proud of Jason.  He's a volunteer firefighter in his town of Fairview, Missouri.  The photo above is of him fighting a fire.  Not to be left out, I'm also proud of Dena and love her and all my brother Mark's kids.  They're good people.  They've been through a lot - more than I could take, for sure.

***

Not such a fun Highlight - 

Also on Tuesday, my dad told me that Gary, the manager of the Senior Apartments told him it was time for me to go.  When dad came in the apartment, he began that conversation with, "Do you want the bad news or the bad news?"  Kinda sucks when your dad uses your words and phrases against you =)

But you know, as soon as dad told me that I needed to leave, I felt a peace and calm I can't explain in human terms.  It just felt right.  I decided then that it must be what the Lord wants for me.  I have no idea where I'll land or where I'll go next week, but I know that as long as I trust in the Lord (or try my best to, anyway), the result will be what He wants.  What He wants is what I want.

A couple of hurdles cropped up immediately.  I had made a payment arrangement with a bill collector to withdraw payments for a bill every other week, but the agent made a mistake and withdrew this week, too.  That left me with a whopping $28 in my account.

Then, I called the Home Inn where I plan to go for a few weeks at least, and they said they had a room immediately.  Since I want to pay by the week, I confirmed the weekly rate - $80/week.  The manager said yes, that's the rate, but they have a policy that they require at least 2 weeks payment up front.  This threw me off, so I sent a quick text to my former bishop who owns the Home Inns and he said yes, that's their policy and no, he won't intervene for me for an exception.

So, I'm not quite sure what to do.  But, it's not up to me.  When the Lord counseled (commanded?) to trust not in the arm of flesh, I believe He was including my own flesh.  I need to trust in Him and Him alone.  When I try to take over, well, let's just say things don't go well most of the time.  What's the scripture?  Oh, yeah.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding."  (Proverbs 3:5)

That sounds pretty clear to me.  It's simple.  Not easy.  But simple.

***

Today, I had the opportunity to go to lunch with my brother, Tim.  So good to spend an hour or so with one of the great heroes of my life.

***

The final Highlight so far this week -

I met with my bishop this week.  We had a good talk.  Even though I'm moving, he said we can keep my records in the ward here.  I also committed to attending church and paying my tithing.  He had so many good things to say about my dad - things I already know.  The bishop also said he would give me a calling as soon as he could, and highly encouraged me to get involved in serving others.  I like the idea.  And, though this was the first time I met him, I liked him immediately.  He's pretty young (I would be surprised to find out he's had his 30th birthday yet), but I know he's connected with the Lord.

So, those are the highlights.  It's been a week of ups and downs, but I'm choosing to trust in the Lord (as His ways are not mine) and focus on the ups.

Hope you're having a good week.

Brother H.

Seeing Light

I've been having some medical and financial struggles lately.  Dealing with a vicious cycle.  My pain (Chronic Myofascial Pain and possible Fibromyalgia syndrome) really flared up this week, starting on Sunday.  I was going to go to church with A and my dad, but I couldn't even get into the shower and put my suit on.


I called the pain clinic who basically has me under contract to see them and them alone for any pain care, which makes sense to me.  There are too many instances of prescription drug abuse and accidental overdoses with prescription pain medication.  So, I called the pain clinic yesterday to see if I could come in.  However, because of some past bills that went to collection, the office manager told me they have been preparing to discharge me from their care.


Of course this would happen at the tail end of my pain pills running out.


I asked Allie, the office manager, if I could come in if I paid out of pocket for the office visit.  She said she needed to check with the doctors and she would call me back.


In the meantime, I called the collection agent who had been trying to reach me and made payment arrangements and they said that the pain clinic could verify that a payment has been made and that additional payments have been arranged.


I called the clinic back and asked to speak to Allie, but was told she was on the other line.  I then asked the nice lady to give her a message letting her know about the payment to see if that would help.  I was told that I should get a call back from Allie either later yesterday afternoon or this morning.


Guess who didn't call?


So, it was off to the emergency room.  By this time the pain was so excruciating, I was crying.  My dear old dad changed some of his plans and was kind enough to drive me to the hospital.  I wouldn't have dared, since the pain itself was so distracting, I wouldn't have been safe on the roads.


(By the way, in our runnings around today, I learned that I need to take my dad with me more often.  The cute old guy is a total chick magnet!)


The doc at the ER was very kind.  He gave me an Rx for a short supply of pain meds and urged me to work with either the pain clinic or a new provider.  We went to the pharmacy to get the Rx filled and had lunch at Maceys Deli - they have really good pizza by the way.  And then we came home.


As soon as I got home, I tried reaching Allie again, but had to leave her a voicemail.


In addition to all else, I am working with the social worker here at the senior apartments to get on Medicaid.  She's been very helpful!  She keeps telling me how nice it is for me to be here to take care of dad.  I don't really do much, just make sure he can hear things and basic stuff like that.


Realizing I don't have very much in the way of pain meds to keep me going for long, I called the doc that used to see mama and got an appointment with him.  March 7!


So, I really don't know what to do.  Two weeks without any meds at all really isn't something I look forward to!


***


On a personal/family note, I heard from my sister today.  She told me she loves me and always will.  That one message was an incredible relief.  Forgiveness may or may not come, but at least she loves me.


Heard from another family member with basically the same message.  She was another one I hurt.  I realize I've been worrying about the wrong things.  I've been worrying about how I feel about the situation - not about how they feel.  I've been doing it backwards.


This really isn't about me.  Yes, it started because of me, but I need to focus on my repentance and healing and stop focusing on how all this is affecting me.  I am not the victim.


All in all, I really can see more clearly now.  I am seeing light.  Day by day, I'm learning (or re-learning) to rely on the Lord and His mercy, grace and unconditional love.


May He bless us all.


Brother H.

Funky Town

As much as I like the song, "Funky Town", the title to this post is misleading.  For the past week or so, I have been in a deep, deep funk.

Funk as in depression.

I've pretty well limited contact with everyone I love, knowing that's the worst thing I can do, but I can't seem to help myself.

Down, down, down.

I could use some prayers.  Healing for me and for my family and our relationships.

Brother H.

Withdrawal

Every day it becomes more apparent that the only way I will find full forgiveness is to move away.  Far, far away.  Though, in the digital age, how far can you really run from your sins and mistakes?  How far can you get from those you have hurt and from those who cannot or will not forgive?

With the birthday party just around the corner, I have also come to the conclusion that I need to be somewhere else during that time.  I love my father dearly, and I think bringing (or allowing) peace between family members is the best gift I can give.

Thinking of Montana  - but soooo cold!

Good things have been happening in my life though.  Maybe I'll tell you in a near-future post.

Missing Family

This is wearing me down.

The more I think about my family, my siblings and their children, my in-laws, the worse I feel for my actions.  I have driven wedges.  I have created canyons between us.

And I don't know how to fix it.

My dad's birthday is coming up and the family will be celebrating.  For dad, I want to be there.  For my family, I want to stay away.

 If I'm there, dad will be happy.  If I'm not there, the rest of the family will likely feel more comfortable.

One of the other hitches in the whole cycle is that my family (all but dad) want me to get out and move on.  I understand their concerns.  One sib, a brother, has let me know that he doesn't feel "nervous" about my being here creates a bad situation for dad.  His support is much appreciated but I don't know what the others really feel.

Another brother told me he thought I had a chip on my shoulder.  If so, it was placed there completely unintentionally.  I don't dislike my family.  I love them very much.  I honestly just don't know where to go from here.  I don't know how to strike that fine balance between being my own man, helping dad and gaining forgiveness from those I hurt.  I've done nothing like that since the incident, but I feel like it will take forever to regain love, trust and forgiveness from those I've hurt.

In the meantime, I continue to try growing closer to God and that has been really helpful.  Reading the Book of Mormon on a daily basis has brought me incredible peace.

I pray that we may all find healing in our hearts, our minds and our family relationships.

Brother H.

Wilt Thou Comfort my Soul in Christ

I have been feeling a greater measure of peace in my life.  I attribute that peace wholly to a kind, benevolent and wise Heavenly Father who sees beyond the maze of walls I face in mortality.  On my part, I attribute it to more faithfully reading the scriptures (specifically the Book of Mormon) and praying that Heavenly Father would soften my heart toward my family.  It's been a rough week, but, as my beautiful sister likes to sing, "I Can See Clearly Now the Rain is Gone".

Dad and I are getting along quite well.  Sure, he repeats some of the same stories, but I do too, I'm sure.  He likes to sing, and some of the songs he serenades me with, I haven't heard in decades.  He's really worried about his finances and he's told me how much he appreciates that I've been buying the groceries, taking him to lunch, etc.  That makes me feel good - that I've been in a position to help him financially rather than be a financial burden to him.  The only problem with that is that the more I spend here, the less I can save for my own place,  But, the Lord will provide.  He always does.

Truly today I am feeling that my prayers for my soul to be comforted in Christ are being answered.

Brother H.

Trusting in the Arm of Flesh

I chose the title of this post because it very recently hit me - the solution to all my angst, stress, pressure and - well - all the negative feelings of late.

I need to stop trusting in the arm of flesh.  This means people.  Humans.  Mortals.  Those whose spirits are currently adorned with flesh.  I need to stop trusting in flesh I've relied on for nearly a half-century.  My own.

When this idea came to me, it was more than an idea.  I knew it was pure inspiration.  Pure revelation.  Relevant to all I've been dealing with.  God alone knows my heart, my intentions, my sins and my efforts to repent of my sins.  He alone knows why I am the way I am and how much of who I am is changeable according to my mission and His will, plan and timing.

Despite the beautiful song by Frank Sinatra, I cannot continue trying to do it my way.  When I do, I fail.

I wish I could take the jumbled up feelings I've been experiencing and somehow download it just so others who are trying to figure me out could better understand the challenges I'm facing.  The transgressions, sins, mistakes, etc., some are the normal garden-variety of things we all face from time to time.  But in each of us, I believe, there are things we deal with that others who have not dealt with just could not understand.

If you've ever been addicted to nicotine, have you ever tried to explain to someone who has never smoked what it's like to try and quit?

If you've never been addicted to nicotine, has a smoker ever tried to explain it to you?  Did you fully understand, or did you mentally roll your eyes and think, "Come on, it can't be that hard to quit"?

On the parts of both of you, there is a communication gap. You can explain it - you can listen to it - all day long.  But, unless there's an experiential relationship, you're both going to fail on some level.

Some members of my family know that besides nicotine, I have other addictions that I won't go into here.  I'm sure you wonder why I did what I did.  Hell, I wonder why I did what I did, too.  Any attempt to explain, I fear, would be taken by them as an alibi.  An excuse.  A way to explain away my behavior without taking honest responsibility.

However, I have been trying to figure it out and though I understand some of it, I don't understand it all.  I can tell you that, at the time at least, it was an overwhelming compulsion borne of events that happened years ago.  I can tell you how very sorry I am (and mean it with all my soul), but I sense that only time will heal these particular wounds.  I will not excuse myself.  I will not give an alibi.

One of the problems that gets in the way of healing on both sides of the issue is that some things we do to each other create great canyons of emotional distance.  We may still love each other, but trust needs time to be rebuilt.  Rome wasn't built in a day, and I am sure the trust I want to earn back could take years.

But it's not up to me.  And this is where that pure inspiration comes into play.

As much as I want the unconditional love, the forgiveness and the trust back from my family, that is simply out of my control.  That is something I absolutely cannot trust the arm of flesh to fix.  Not my flesh.  Not their flesh.

I can only trust my wise Heavenly Father to lead me (and sometimes carry me) down the path of repentance and to the cross of my Savior who both paid for these sins and suffered the hurt, disappointment and anger that family members may carry towards me.  He did this so that He could have the hands-on experience by feeling these exact feelings, exactly as they feel them, and I feel them.  Only with this hands-on experience is He able to walk us down our paths, and hopefully, back into the arms of each other.

***

On another note, as mentioned in a previous post, I was going to try my best to read from the Book of Mormon at least once a day - one chapter a day.

Today I read the 4th chapter of Helaman.  There are some real life parallels for me there that relate to the theme of this post.  By relying in my own arm of flesh, I have essentially been telling God, "Hey, I can do this.  I'll let you know if I need You."

That sounds like boastful pride to me.  According to the record in this chapter, when we boast in our own strength, He leaves us in our own strength.  And justifiably so.  

Since turning things over to Him and not taking them back; since reading daily from this life-changing book (The Book of Mormon), I have begun to feel so much peace.  For the first time in weeks, I have really felt the Holy Ghost.  It's amazing to me that He knows I'm so far from perfect, and yet sends this beautiful member of the Godhead to me.

Now is the time for me to let go and let God.

Thank you for your support, your prayers and your encouraging comments.  I appreciate you.

Brother H.

Baby Talk

It's strange for me to be defined as the baby of the family, though technically, that's true.  I am the eighth child of eight children.  For most of our lives, we've gotten along pretty well, though of course our varied personalities, tastes and quirks made for some interesting interactions from time to time.

However, I don't define myself that way.  I am an adult, nearly half-century old, who makes mistakes, has dreams and aspirations and does the best he can with what he's got.  Like others, I would rather be judged by my intentions than by the followthru.  I am human, and an error-prone one at that.

I know now that some of my family reads this blog.  To you I would like to say, welcome.  You may not always hear the pleasantries of whats going on in my head, but I will try not to offend you.  I love my family.  I know they have my best interest at heart and their intentions are good and noble.

However, I think they still like to think of me as the baby.  Immature.  Spoiled.  In need of constant correction, maybe even a time out.

I make mistakes, yes, and lots of them.  Some of the recent ones have been real doozies.  Hurtful.  Bewildering.  Perhaps even unforgivable.  Bad enough that I know I will do all I can to avoid family gatherings for the time being.  Perhaps for the rest of my days.  I'm sure I've made many feel awkward even calling or visiting dad.  Yet another reason I want to get out and back on my own.

The main reason I feel like this is because when there's a total absence of communication between the offender and the offended, both are left to their imaginations of what's going on in the heart and mind of the other.  In this case, since I've not heard from the party involved, I can only assume that forgiveness is not going to happen.  At least not for now.  Heck, she could hate me for all I know.  The lack of communication here makes it impossible to know.

I worried about all of this so much yesterday, I ended up sedating myself and just going to sleep for awhile.  But for today, I choose not to worry about what others think of me.  As long as I've put it out there that I understand their concerns about the living situation and I'm moving on it... as long as I've apologized again and have asked their forgiveness... well, really, that's all I can do.  I can't obsess on the situation so much that it keeps throwing me into panic attacks.

On the good side, something dad said today made me feel good.  He pointed out that those who are criticizing me for being here as long as I have been don't know the whole story.  I'm not about to boast.  Just know that I've been able to help him in ways others could not.

And with that, I am putting this in God's hands where it all belongs.

Brother H.

Moving on

I feel it's time for me to move on.  In more than a few ways.  Physically.  Spiritually.  Mentally.  Emotionally.  And in any other "ally" ways I can.


I will be moving from dad's place by the end of this month. Hopefully before his birthday, which is ten days away.  My sister (who must know how much I love her and all my sibs), has correctly pointed out that nobody wants to jeopardize dad's living conditions.  Although the manager here has explicitly approved of my being a guest to help dad, it's really making others nervous.  Good motivation to go.


I'm afraid that the wedges and rifts between other family members and me are getting wider.  I take full responsibility for these disconnections, and right now, the only thing I can think of to allow everyone to get back to normal family-hood is for me to excuse myself from the situation and hope that we can all, someday, get back to the closeness we had after the passing of my brother and mother.  During the times that they were in ICU and dying, the family got incredibly close.  Wedges were removed.  Chasms were closed.  Wounds were sutured and hearts mended.  There was forgiveness all around.

Things feel different now.

Is it perception that some of my siblings will never forgive me?  I honestly don't know.  If not, well, that's something I'll just have to live with.  In the meantime, they can hopefully take comfort in the knowledge that I am actively looking for a new place to live; looking for work, and will be out of their hair soon.

I'm a bad person, I get it.  You're a good person.  I get that, too.

Maybe it's simple paranoia, but I sense a "cheeseball party" is being planned in my honor, and if that happens, well, the rift would widen to an unbridgeable canyon.  Such an event would drive me away permanently.  And far away. I hope my sibs know I love them enough to understand their motives, and I dearly love them for who they are.  I only ask that they remember how another one of us felt driven away because he was so different than the rest of us.  Justified in his feelings or not, it was his perception that we (yes, me, too) were willing to love and accept him, but only on our own terms.  That he moved 1,800 miles to get away from us is telling in our family dynamic.  I still cringe knowing that I was apart of what he perceived as loving and accepting him on our terms.


I am willing to make things right with my family and loved ones, but I think this is something only time will heal.  I need to work through my own salvation and repentance process.  That's something nobody else can help me with.  I hope the members of my family who I recently hurt know how sorry I am.  I can't take back what I did.  I can only tell you again that I'm sorry, it won't happen again, and I am trying to forgive myself as well as be open to Heavenly Father's forgiveness.  Whether your forgiveness comes now, later or never, well, I can't worry about that.

I know this may sound like a pity party, but really, I'm okay.

Dad was extremely gracious in allowing me to stay, and the timing was good. He was having eye surgery and needed a seeing eye child.  I was available and it would have been a hardship on the other sibs.  His eye has healed completely, and, well, it's just time to go.

The thing about my present circumstance is that I can pretty much go anywhere.  Lately, I've been considering places in Southern Utah (don't worry, nowhere near where family currently lives).  It's a long drive, that's for sure, but like my dear departed brother, I'm afraid that until my lifestyle more closely represents the lifestyle my sibs want for me, maybe it's best if I just take some time away.  I'm still up in the air about that.

Also, as I mentioned in my last post, I have been trying to read the Book of Mormon more consistently.  Last night, I read the final chapter of Alma and began Helaman.  What great men these two were.  I hope that someday I'll again find the strength to be more like them.  In the meantime, I rely completely on the mercy and grace of my Father in Heaven to see me through, day to day.

I hope you do, too.

With special love to my sibs who I know love me and I love them back,

Brother H.

Here am I, Send Me... Away

There are a multitude of blessings of being part of a large family.  I've always loved having a lot of older siblings.  As we all age, however, and grow at different rates and experience life in different ways, the dynamics can get a little complicated in some ways.  This is only my personal opinion, but I think that the larger the family, the more opportunities for both love and error present themselves.

Despite the errors, sins and mistakes I've made in my life, I can honestly say I love each and every one of my siblings and their offspring.

Right around Christmastime, I made a huge mistake that affected a few people in my immediate family.  I have a sister who has every right to be angry with me.  Though I've apologized and have worked on my end to also obtain forgiveness of the Lord, the one thing I'm finding is that the distance I've created between the two of us is really hard to bear.  Yes, I deserve it, there's no question about that.  I wouldn't blame her if she never talked to me again.


It's also been extremely difficult for me to find forgiveness from myself for myself.  Though the Lord tells us not to worry about whether others forgive us or not, I'm not sure if I will be able to completely forgive myself without obtaining her forgiveness.  There's the rub.  The longer I know she's carrying this burden of seeing me as the evil one, the longer I see myself that way, too.


Perhaps it would be easier for me to just pack up and leave town.  Then nobody would have to think about me so much and they could move on with their lives and I could find it easier to move on with mine and forgive me of my sins.


I don't deserve her forgiveness.  I guess asking for mercy at this point is too much.  I know I can obtain both from the Lord.  Perhaps that shall be my consolation for the time being.


Brother H.

It may be broke, but...

Why is it that we like to fix each other?  Husbands like to fix wives.  Parents like to fix their kids.  Siblings like to fix each other.

I have a close family member (at least one that I know of; there are probably others) who wants to fix me.  He wants me to get a job, get out on my own.  He wants me to get back in the pew at church.  All of which is admirable, but, really, doesn't he have better things to do with his time?

As one of the former black sheep of the family, he should know the futility of trying to fix someone the way you want them fixed.  He should also remember the wedge that can be driven between family members when there's one who wants to fix the other.  There was a wedge between him and the rest of us for a time.  Then, it was driven by others in the family who wanted to fix him.  Now that that particular wedge has been removed and scars healed, he's using it on me.

Remember that we (as a family - I do not exclude myself from blame) already drove one family member away - to Tennessee - because we couldn't/wouldn't accept him "as is".  I've seriously considered following suit and just leaving Utah because I feel I don't fit in with the family.

Why do we do this to each other?  Why do we get so excited to fix each other that we end up only driving them farther away?  Why do we make it so phone calls go unanswered because it's really not pleasant for me to hear, "I want to support you... but..." and unspoken but still heard, "it's got to be this way."?

Look, I have a mind, a brain and free will.  I know what's right; I know what's wrong.  I know that you love me, and I so appreciate that.  But there are things I need to learn and things I need to figure out in my own way and according to my own timetable.  I promise you that if my health was not so fragile, I'd go to work on a construction crew this week to bring in more bacon.  As it is, I'm helping dad in financial and other ways.  Dad and I have discussed this, and he says if others resent me being here, well, they don't need to.  Ask him.

In the meantime, call me with some good news.  Share with me what's going on in your life.  How's the job?  Family okay?  Kids having a good time?  Great.

But if you start trying to fix me, that may be the last time I answer your call.

But I will still love you.

Always.

Brother H.

Hanging on to Sanity... Barely

Ever feel like you're just clinging to your sanity and afraid you're gonna fall at any moment?

I really hate to say it, but today has been a day of frustrations.

More specifically, it's been a day where I've allowed outside influences to frustrate me.  If I am the captain of my soul, how can I blame others for how I react to them?

I have a daddy-daughter date tonight with my beautiful 17 year old step-daughter.  I've been worried about punctuality.  Her biological dad isn't exactly punctual (or even present) so I'm doing all I can to be there when she needs me.  Tonight we're going to coffee and just talk.  I think that's important.

But everything leading up to that has left me in a bit of a tizzy.  I guess my dad (with whom I currently live) wasn't aware that my daughter and I had time set aside tonight and he told a family member we'd be happy to get him from the airport and drive him the 30 or so miles home.  Turned out his flight came in late enough that it started pressing me for time for the date, so I let myself become cranky.

I've also gotten a little cranky because I've heard through the grapevine that others in my family resent my staying with dad for now.  I'm really sorry they feel that way.  It makes me feel bad (but not angry or resentful toward them).  I don't know what they would do in my situation, I really can't judge them.  If any of them are reading this, please know it's temporary, I'm helping dad financially, and we have discussed the situation with the manager here and he is just fine with me staying.  My stay is not jeopardizing dad's living arrangements.  If that were true, I'd move out faster than you could pack me up.  Besides, I didn't hear any offers from anyone else to live with, and you know dad would do it for you if the need was the same.

But again, I digress.

Frustrations, sometimes, seem to get the better of me.  I don't like that about myself, and I'm working on it, but today, I'm afraid I've had to make a few apologies.  If you're reading this and I got frustrated with you today, please know I am sorry!

I suppose, again, I need to learn how to share this charity I have so graciously received with others.  Sometimes I wish I were perfect, but I'm just not.  In the meantime, please forgive me for being so mortal.

And now, off to get ready for my daddy-daughter date.  I'm excited!

Brother H.

Sleepless in Salt Lake

So, as I alluded to in my last post, something happened - a misperception - and the thought of it kept me up past 4 AM.

I have a childhood friend who lost her husband of 22 years. He fought valiantly against his cancer, but ultimately the battle was lost.  I had interacted with this friend a few times on Facebook, but not in real life.  In fact, I haven't seen her face to face for at least 10 years when her father passed away.

Back then, when her dad passed away, my life was still in "pre-conversion" stage.  Life then was all about me, me, me.  Since then, however, I have taken the challenge issued by prophets and apostles to earnestly seek for the gift of charity - "the pure love of Christ":

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen. (Moroni 7:48)  Read the chapter here

Now, while I am nowhere near being perfect at showing charity appropriately, I have indeed received this incredible gift from God.  I feel His love moment to moment, day by day.  It has, at times, consumed me to the point of tearful gratitude.  The problem isn't in my receiving the gift of charity; it is in appropriately showing it to others.  I truly have come to see others more like Heavenly Father sees them, though of course, He sees them as He sees them constantly.  I'm still working on it.

But I digress.

What happened was that I had tried to convey my support and love to this friend in the best way I knew how.  Support was fine.  It appears it was the word "love" that got lost in translation.

In English, we have one word for "love" and that is, of course, simply, "Love".  It has all sorts of meanings.  It can be a brother-sister type love in a family, a platonic love between friends, or it can mean the deep love a parent has for a child and vice versa.  But it can also have all sorts of romantic overtones.

In Greek, however, there are different words to convey these different kinds of meanings.  

Quoting from Wikipedia:

There are several Greek words for love, as the Greek language distinguishes how the word is used. Ancient Greek has four distinct words for love: agápe, éros, philía, and storgē. However, as with other languages, it has been historically difficult to separate the meanings of these words. Nonetheless, the senses in which these words were generally used are given below.

• Agápe (ἀγάπη agápē^[1]) means "love" (brotherly love) in modern day Greek, such as in the term s'agapo (Σ'αγαπώ), which means "I love you". In Ancient Greek, it often refers to a general affection or deeper sense of "true love" rather than the attraction suggested by "eros". Agape is used in the biblical passage known as the "love chapter", 1 Corinthians 13, and is described there and throughout the New Testament as sacrificial love. Agape is also used in ancient texts to denote feelings for a good meal, one's children, and the feelings for a spouse. It can be described as the feeling of being content or holding one in high regard.

• Éros (ἔρως érōs^[2]) is passionate love, with sensual desire and longing. The Modern Greek word "erotas" means "intimate love;" however, eros does not have to be sexual in nature. Eros can be interpreted as a love for someone whom you love more than the philia, love of friendship. It can also apply to dating relationships as well as marriage. Plato refined his own definition: Although eros is initially felt for a person, with contemplation it becomes an appreciation of the beauty within that person, or even becomes appreciation of beauty itself. Plato does not talk of physical attraction as a necessary part of love, hence the use of the word platonic to mean, "without physical attraction." Plato also said eros helps the soul recall knowledge of beauty, and contributes to an understanding of spiritual truth. Lovers and philosophers are all inspired to seek truth by eros. The most famous ancient work on the subject of eros is Plato's Symposium, which is a discussion among the students of Socrates on the nature of eros.

• Philia (φιλία philía^[3]) means friendship in modern Greek. It is a dispassionate virtuous love, a concept developed by Aristotle. It includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality and familiarity. In ancient texts, philos denoted a general type of love, used for love between family, between friends, a desire or enjoyment of an activity, as well as between lovers.

• Storge (στοργή storgē^[4]) means "affection" in ancient and modern Greek. It is natural affection, like that felt by parents for offspring. Rarely used in ancient works, and then almost exclusively as a descriptor of relationships within the family. It is also known to express mere acceptance or putting up with situations, as in "loving" the tyrant.

(Wikipedia Greek words for Love)

I got a phone call from one of the family yesterday afternoon letting me know (in a very kind and diplomatic way) that my intentions were seen as something more than simple support of a childhood friend who had just lost her beloved spouse.  It appears that complicating matters, there was some history in their family of something similar happening when the patriarch of the family passed away some ten years ago.  

Back then, an old friend of the family apparently tried to swoop in and sweep the dear widow off her feet.  From what I understand, the timing was incredibly bad, like right at the time of the funeral services or thereabouts.

It appears the way I tried to convey my support of my childhood friend, coupled with the fact that there had been this old friend trying to woo her mother basically at the time of her dad's funeral, and add to that the fact that there is only one English word for the many forms of love  - well - I felt absolutely terrible.

The last thing my friend needs in her life is additional drama, no matter how little.

So, yeah, I got very little sleep last night thinking about the whole situation, thinking about how I may never be able to face my friend again, just knowing how my intentions were received.

Other than staying away from the viewing tonight and the funeral tomorrow, I'm not sure how to proceed.  I certainly don't want to make things worse.

Brother H.

Quick update:

I heard from my friend's brother (who is my best friend and has been since we were 5) that he talked to his sister and she feels much better about the situation.

Now if I can just feel better about it, too.

Brother H.