But Behold, I mistake

This morning, I felt like a jerk. I acted like Amukek when he told the people of Ammonihah:

"I never have known much of the ways of the Lord, and his mysteries and marvelous power. I said I never had known much of these things; but behold, I mistake, for I have seen much of his mysteries and his marvelous power; yea, even in the preservation of the lives of this people. 

"Nevertheless, I did harden my heart, for I was called many times and I would not hear; therefore I knew concerning these things, yet I would not know; therefore I went on rebelling against God, in the wickedness of my heart..."  (Alma 10:5-6)

Early this morning, there was a knock at our door.  I was the only one awake and I called through the door asking who was there.  "The missionaries", they called out.  I opened the door and let them in.  I asked them to talk quietly because there were others sleeping in the apartment.

Now, you know me, right?  I love missionaries.  It was missionaries who saved me in so many ways.  I admire them for giving up so much time and travel to wherever they may be called - and at their own expense - to teach the restored gospel of Jesus Christ.

But that isn't how I acted this morning.

Yes, I let them in.  Yes, I gave them water because they had been riding their bikes and were thirsty.  But I have to admit, I worried about what my roommates would think if they knew I had let the elders into the apartment.  They are both non-LDS and, well, they sort of make fun of my faith at times.  I can handle that.  That's what happens when you live "in the world".  I knew that when I moved in with them.

The elders asked some pretty pointed questions - and I believe they were following the Spirit when they did so.  I, however, was listening to another spirit altogether.  I was taking counsel from my fears, worrying that my roommates would wake up and walk in on us.

Now, what's wrong with that picture?

I'll get to that in a minute.

The elders kindly asked what it would take to get me to go back to church.  I told them I have no plans whatsoever to go back.  They asked if I would go just once, long enough to take the sacrament. I told them no.


But the whole time they were here, asking these divinely inspired, heart-piercing questions, and the whole time I was doing all I could to shut them down and wishing they would leave, I was dying inside.  I wanted to open up.  I wanted to tell them what was really in my heart.  I wanted to bear testimony to them that I knew that what they had spoken was exactly right on; that I still know and believe in the restored gospel.  I wanted to share with them my own conversion story and how very much I rely on Jesus Christ, even now (or especially now) that I'm inactive.

But I didn't.

I let them do almost all the talking.  I let my fear of what my roommates would think dictate my words and actions.  I let myself down and I let God down.  I feared man (roommates) more than I feared the Lord and His authorized representatives that He sent to me.

Before they left, they asked if there was anything they could do for me.  I asked them to pray for me when they got home.  They then asked if they could have a prayer.  Yes, right here in the apartment.  I am happy to say I was happy to have them pray.

After they left, I felt awful.  I went outside and thought about the whole experience.  I silently prayed, asking God to forgive me.  It was only then that I felt someone speaking to my spirit.

"This is your home, too.  If you want to have the missionaries come in, you have that right".

How true.

Hopefully the next time the missionaries come knocking, I will be a little more courageous and at least let them sit down to drink their water.

May you have a blessed and Happy Easter and remember that now as with Christmas, Jesus is the reason for the season.


Brother H.

Consistent Gratitude

Photo ©2011 James Hofheins. All Rights Reserved. For information: artbyjameshofheins@gmail.com

It's been some time since I've posted.  I apologize for the wait.

I have a cousin who lives in Nevada and every morning she sends me and others a text message outlining five things she is grateful for that day.  When I read her message this morning, a very strong impression came to me.

The importance of daily gratitude.

My cousin has it right.  She not only feels grateful, she acknowledges it and shares it with others.  How many mornings do I wake up and, at least mentally, grumble about my pain, my problems and what I don't have?  I have so much to be grateful for!

For the most part, I have good health.  I have friends who support me, who appreciate me and who go out of their way to let me know.  I have family who love me, regardless of my sins and mistakes.  I have a roof over my head.  I have food both in my cupboards and in my belly.  And most of all, I have a God who is merciful, wise, kind and benevolent.

How can I not be grateful?

I will now endeavor to show my gratitude to Him and to others on a more consistent basis.  I won't be perfect at it, but I am, after all, only human.

Thank you for reading today's blog post.  I am grateful for you.

Brother H.

The Blessings Continue

Photo ©2011, James Hofheins. All Rights Reserved

Today has been a very busy day.  Now, what I'm about to say, I want you to know I say without boasting.  I cannot boast of tender mercies the Lord provides me.  As King Benjamin said in the famous "seminary scripture", Mosiah 2:17, "And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God."

Being in the service of the Master is an honor, and He has provided me some opportunities to serve today.

As you may know, I was privileged to be a part of the "Find Susan" social media blitz just over a year ago.  I was part of a well-organized team of folks (the friends and family of Susan Cox Powell) who put together and executed a plan to get the word out about her disappearance.  We still have not found her, but we have not given up, either.

This afternoon, I received an email from someone who is involved in finding another missing person.  Because I don't have authority to publicly talk about it, I can't identify the case right now, but she asked for advice on how to do a social media blitz to help find the missing person.  That she asked me for advice and help is truly an honor.

I was really surprised when she asked how much I charge for doing so.  I had not thought about and would not think about charging to help an agonizing family find their loved one.

I don't know where they go from here, but I hope the information I was able to provide is helpful, and of course, I am willing to continue to help.

I have also been involved in helping a start-up with some brand management through social media.  This has also kept me pretty busy today.  I'm really grateful that the Lord allows me to share what I can to help others with anything I may know something about.  And who knows?  Perhaps it will turn into something full time where I can help a paying company or cause in the future?

Finally, and I hesitate to mention this because it could appear as boasting, I was honored to help a long-distance friend, and in the process, help myself.  She recently lost a dear friend of hers and wanted to talk about it.  I think she helped me more, however, because the death of her friend and the death of my brother Mark five years ago, had some uncanny similarities.  In talking to her about my brother's death, it lifted me somehow.  It brought back some really good memories of Mark.  It left me feeling lighter and closer to both my friend and my brother.  I hope that anything I told her has helped lift her burden.

I know it lifted mine.

Brother H.

Good Blessings!

Photo ©2011, James Hofheins. All Rights Reserved

Good blessings.  This is a phrase used often in my family, especially among siblings.  I first heard it from my sister-in-law (who I really consider a sister without hyphens).  She told me that she says "good blessings" instead of "good luck" in matters spiritual and religious, because when you think about it, luck has little to do with our heaven-guided lives.

I have been the recipient of many good blessings of late.  You've heard the phrase, "my cup runneth over"?  My cup has been running over so much lately that not even the Bounty paper towel guy would be up to the task of cleaning my table.

At the end of this week, I will have a place to live.  My niece and her girlfriend are taking me in and I will have a bedroom of my own.  Sure different than sleeping on a couch or the floor with couch cushions for, well, cushioning.

Also, I learned this weekend that some of my black and white photos from Missouri may be featured in a local art magazine.  It's a start-up, so I feel doubly blessed that they would consider me for an early issue.  They also want to do a piece on me and my thinking behind the photos I took.  Wow.  I didn't see this one coming, and I am so, so grateful even to be considered.  For more information, you can email artbyjameshofheins@gmail.com

Finally, I ran into an old friend who used to boss me around.  No, that's not right.  She used to be my boss, and a kind one at that.  We've been talking, renewing our friendship.  It sure feels good to be remembered in a positive way from a decade ago.

On a side-note, yesterday (Sunday) wrapped up General Conference.  What a strong spirit there was!  I love hearing the words of God through His prophets, apostles and other inspired leaders.  Most notably, I am grateful for the continued, constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. Even when I mess up.

I certainly don't deserve these very tender mercies.  But that's what mercy is all about, isn't it?  We don't deserve it.

But we sure count on it.

I hope you have a wonderful Monday.  Good blessings.

Brother H.

Traveling Light - Day 2

So, the other day I told you about a really great book by Max Lucado.  I also told you that his book inspired me to make some changes, which I've been doing.  The changes were actually pretty simple, but with profound effects.

What I did was lay some really heavy baggage at the foot of the Cross of Calvary.  Of course I did so metaphorically, but if it helps you to do the same, let me tell you exactly how I did it.

First, I closed my eyes and opened a prayer - sort of like you'd click the "Compose" button on your email program.  I addressed Heavenly Father and asked for His help and strength to give up some particularly unwieldy burdens: Guilt. Shame. Lust. Fear. My current living situation which was completely up in the air.  My health - intense back pain, diabetes, skin cancer.

Then, with my eyes still shut, I put the picture in my mind of me lugging all this luggage to the foot of the Cross where Jesus was cruelly crucified.  I left it there, took a last look, and walked away.


An important part of that prayer I had opened to compose was asking specifically for strength and wisdom to leave it all there at Christ's feet.  I told Father that I know what happens when I try to do things my way and worry about stuff.  What happens is like when a kitten gets ahold of a skein of yarn.  It just gets all messed up, and quickly so.  I told Him that when I leave things alone and trust - really trust - things work out so much better.


So, here are some of the results of leaving my baggage at the Cross.


I was able to get in to see my family physician who referred me to an increasingly frustrating pain clinic two years ago.  Despite my family doc's reluctance to treat my pain back then, she is happy to do so now.  The pain clinic didn't seem to understand my propensity to become addicted to narcotics.  My family doctor does.  She cares.  She even told me she was happy to see me again and had missed treating me.


How much better can it be with someone you trust your life to?


Something else has happened, and rapidly.  


If you've been following my posts on Facebook, you may know that I've been really worried about where to live.  I can't stay with dad long-term, and unless he needed round the clock help, I wouldn't want to.  I have little money to spare, and all I couldn't tell anyone who asked where I was going next.


You can imagine this worry was one that was really difficult to leave at the Cross and not take back.  I was tempted to pick it back up, turn it over in my hands, and try to find the solution.  I've never been good at solving Rubik's Cubes, and certainly not housing situations with no money.


Well, yesterday, my niece made an incredible offer.  She wants me to take the spare bedroom in a place they move into on April 8.  I won't even need to pay rent right away!


I am incredibly grateful to a loving, caring and benevolent Father in Heaven who truly watches over me and takes care of me in every needful thing.  I'm also very grateful that He has replaced my doubt, fear and anxiety with the Peace that comes only through the love and grace of Christ Jesus.


Try laying down your burdens.  You will surely find His help just when you need it.


Just like I am finding.


Thanks for reading!


Brother H.

 

Confession of a Living Man

I have a confession to make.

For the longest time I have wanted to die.  Wait! Before you comment that I need to call the Suicide Hotline or call 9-1-1 on my behalf, let me explain.

I have no suicidal wishes, and this isn't a "death wish" in the classic sense of the phrase.  What I mean is that I have sometimes felt an overpowering Homesickness that makes me anxious to finish my mortal mission and, well, return Home to my mama, my brother and especially to my God.

But something changed today.

I have been reading a really great book by Max Lucado.  It's called, "Traveling Light, Releasing the Burdens You Were Never Meant to Bear - The Promise of Psalm 23"

I don't know Max, but I have decided to buy every book he's ever written.  He is what some Mormons would call a Mainstream Christian.  I just call him a fantastic writer who has upped my desire to be a better Christian by a factor of ten.  What insights he has given me in my own journey back Home!

Oh, I mentioned that something has changed.  Yes, and thank you, Max.

While reading his chapter on Homesickness (the same kind I referenced above), I realized I had been thinking about Home in the wrong way.  Max had previously touched on some other issues with which I relate very well.  The baggage of pain, of guilt, of disappointment and hurt.  I've carried this baggage for too long, and I suspect you have too.

So, tonight, I changed a prayer.  Prior to tonight, I had let Heavenly Father know that I am ready to come Home when He's ready for me.  Tonight, I changed that to letting Him know that I am completely unaware of when my mission here will end, and then I asked Him to help me stop thinking about it and instead actually live the rest of my days.

Today, I no longer care if my mission continues for another minute or another 50 years.  If I can live during that time, if I can serve others and help others find meaning in their own lives, then whatever time I have left will be well spent.

Today, I want to live.

I have, as Max has suggested, dropped my baggage of guilt, shame, hurt, lust, pain, loneliness and disappointment at the Cross of Calvary.

Thanks, Max, for teaching me to Travel Light.

Brother H.

New Horizons

In my last post, I told you about the miracle of two friends coming to my financial rescue.  Well, the miracles continue.

As you may know, the management of the Apartments where dad lives told me I need to leave.  I am to be out by Tuesday at latest.

The money I received really reduced the stress level, but I wasn't so sure I wanted to go stay in the Bishop's Closet again.  It's a great resource when needed, but it's one step above the homeless shelter.  Not that there's anything wrong with being homeless, I just prefer not to be.

A few posts ago, I told you about my nephew, Jason.  He and his sweet family have been visiting family here in Utah.  Tomorrow they leave for Missouri.  They're taking back a few extra pounds of luggage - and me.  I don't know how long I'll be there, but it will be nice to get out and see the country.  And it will be really nice to be with them.

The Lord was involved in this, too.  Again, last minute, me worrying, Heavenly Father soothing my fears and preparing the way.

I do worry about dad.  I hope my sibs and his grandchildren and friends can help pick up the slack and come see him.  A lot.  Keep him company.  Soothe his fears.

This will be the last post for a few days or more.  I'm going to enjoy the trip.  And the destination.  May God be with you til we meet again.

Family.  Isn't it about.... time?

Brother H.