Traveling Light - Day 2

So, the other day I told you about a really great book by Max Lucado.  I also told you that his book inspired me to make some changes, which I've been doing.  The changes were actually pretty simple, but with profound effects.

What I did was lay some really heavy baggage at the foot of the Cross of Calvary.  Of course I did so metaphorically, but if it helps you to do the same, let me tell you exactly how I did it.

First, I closed my eyes and opened a prayer - sort of like you'd click the "Compose" button on your email program.  I addressed Heavenly Father and asked for His help and strength to give up some particularly unwieldy burdens: Guilt. Shame. Lust. Fear. My current living situation which was completely up in the air.  My health - intense back pain, diabetes, skin cancer.

Then, with my eyes still shut, I put the picture in my mind of me lugging all this luggage to the foot of the Cross where Jesus was cruelly crucified.  I left it there, took a last look, and walked away.


An important part of that prayer I had opened to compose was asking specifically for strength and wisdom to leave it all there at Christ's feet.  I told Father that I know what happens when I try to do things my way and worry about stuff.  What happens is like when a kitten gets ahold of a skein of yarn.  It just gets all messed up, and quickly so.  I told Him that when I leave things alone and trust - really trust - things work out so much better.


So, here are some of the results of leaving my baggage at the Cross.


I was able to get in to see my family physician who referred me to an increasingly frustrating pain clinic two years ago.  Despite my family doc's reluctance to treat my pain back then, she is happy to do so now.  The pain clinic didn't seem to understand my propensity to become addicted to narcotics.  My family doctor does.  She cares.  She even told me she was happy to see me again and had missed treating me.


How much better can it be with someone you trust your life to?


Something else has happened, and rapidly.  


If you've been following my posts on Facebook, you may know that I've been really worried about where to live.  I can't stay with dad long-term, and unless he needed round the clock help, I wouldn't want to.  I have little money to spare, and all I couldn't tell anyone who asked where I was going next.


You can imagine this worry was one that was really difficult to leave at the Cross and not take back.  I was tempted to pick it back up, turn it over in my hands, and try to find the solution.  I've never been good at solving Rubik's Cubes, and certainly not housing situations with no money.


Well, yesterday, my niece made an incredible offer.  She wants me to take the spare bedroom in a place they move into on April 8.  I won't even need to pay rent right away!


I am incredibly grateful to a loving, caring and benevolent Father in Heaven who truly watches over me and takes care of me in every needful thing.  I'm also very grateful that He has replaced my doubt, fear and anxiety with the Peace that comes only through the love and grace of Christ Jesus.


Try laying down your burdens.  You will surely find His help just when you need it.


Just like I am finding.


Thanks for reading!


Brother H.

 

Confession of a Living Man

I have a confession to make.

For the longest time I have wanted to die.  Wait! Before you comment that I need to call the Suicide Hotline or call 9-1-1 on my behalf, let me explain.

I have no suicidal wishes, and this isn't a "death wish" in the classic sense of the phrase.  What I mean is that I have sometimes felt an overpowering Homesickness that makes me anxious to finish my mortal mission and, well, return Home to my mama, my brother and especially to my God.

But something changed today.

I have been reading a really great book by Max Lucado.  It's called, "Traveling Light, Releasing the Burdens You Were Never Meant to Bear - The Promise of Psalm 23"

I don't know Max, but I have decided to buy every book he's ever written.  He is what some Mormons would call a Mainstream Christian.  I just call him a fantastic writer who has upped my desire to be a better Christian by a factor of ten.  What insights he has given me in my own journey back Home!

Oh, I mentioned that something has changed.  Yes, and thank you, Max.

While reading his chapter on Homesickness (the same kind I referenced above), I realized I had been thinking about Home in the wrong way.  Max had previously touched on some other issues with which I relate very well.  The baggage of pain, of guilt, of disappointment and hurt.  I've carried this baggage for too long, and I suspect you have too.

So, tonight, I changed a prayer.  Prior to tonight, I had let Heavenly Father know that I am ready to come Home when He's ready for me.  Tonight, I changed that to letting Him know that I am completely unaware of when my mission here will end, and then I asked Him to help me stop thinking about it and instead actually live the rest of my days.

Today, I no longer care if my mission continues for another minute or another 50 years.  If I can live during that time, if I can serve others and help others find meaning in their own lives, then whatever time I have left will be well spent.

Today, I want to live.

I have, as Max has suggested, dropped my baggage of guilt, shame, hurt, lust, pain, loneliness and disappointment at the Cross of Calvary.

Thanks, Max, for teaching me to Travel Light.

Brother H.

New Horizons

In my last post, I told you about the miracle of two friends coming to my financial rescue.  Well, the miracles continue.

As you may know, the management of the Apartments where dad lives told me I need to leave.  I am to be out by Tuesday at latest.

The money I received really reduced the stress level, but I wasn't so sure I wanted to go stay in the Bishop's Closet again.  It's a great resource when needed, but it's one step above the homeless shelter.  Not that there's anything wrong with being homeless, I just prefer not to be.

A few posts ago, I told you about my nephew, Jason.  He and his sweet family have been visiting family here in Utah.  Tomorrow they leave for Missouri.  They're taking back a few extra pounds of luggage - and me.  I don't know how long I'll be there, but it will be nice to get out and see the country.  And it will be really nice to be with them.

The Lord was involved in this, too.  Again, last minute, me worrying, Heavenly Father soothing my fears and preparing the way.

I do worry about dad.  I hope my sibs and his grandchildren and friends can help pick up the slack and come see him.  A lot.  Keep him company.  Soothe his fears.

This will be the last post for a few days or more.  I'm going to enjoy the trip.  And the destination.  May God be with you til we meet again.

Family.  Isn't it about.... time?

Brother H.

Angels From Across the Oceans

Today, I am offering prayers of gratitude, for that is all there is room for in my heart.

Last night, as I was preparing for bed, I remembered my new bishop's counsel to get on my knees and pray, evening and morning.  I had been praying already, but not on my knees.  I had not been showing humility or submissiveness to His will.

Last night I did.  And in that prayer I offered Him my will, as best as an imperfect being can do.  I told Him that I trusted Him, that I knew He was in charge and would lead me through my present difficulties.  Afterward, as I lay in bed, I felt again an overwhelming peace.  I knew that He was, right then, answering my prayers.  I felt that He truly can see over the walls that seem to stand in my way.

When I got up this morning and checked my email, I saw that a good friend from across the oceans had sent me a message.  When I opened and read it, I was stunned.

This woman and her husband - a couple I have never laid eyes on in this life - had sent me money via Western Union.  Enough to get into the Bishop's Closet or elsewhere, and a little bit more.

You know who you are - I just wish you knew the depth of my gratitude for being instruments in His hands.  Of being His angels on His errand to help a struggling friend.  For this, and for our friendship, I love you both.

They have asked for no repayment, only that I pay it forward, which I will happily do.

The Lord truly blesses all those who try to do His will as best they can.  Trust in Him.  He will always answer you.  Sometimes He answers prayers directly.  Other times He puts people into your life who are both willing and able to help.

Trust.

A tiny word with life-changing implications.

Brother H.

Highlights of a Great Week

This has been a great week for me, setbacks and roadblocks notwithstanding.  Some highlights:

Yesterday while I was outside in the parking lot of the Senior Apartment Complex a car drove up and parked.  I didn't recognize the woman driving, but the passenger was someone who lives here.  She's a Bosnian refugee who has been here for 11 years.  I wouldn't say she's elderly, but she is about 15 years older than me.

The driver introduced herself as Amy - a friend of the passenger.  Amy had a thick Bosnian accent but spoke English well.

She pointed to the Awesomemobile I was leaning against (a 1980's stationwagon sans the awesome paneling) and asked if it was my car.  I told her it was my dads.  Then, the passenger began talking and Amy translated.  They wanted to know if I could drive her to Lowe's to get a sheet of particle board and have it cut.  Amy's car was obviously too small to put the lumber in.  I told her I'd be happy to help.

So, today, I picked up my Bosnian friend at 3:00 sharp and we drove the mile or so to the hardware store.  We both chatted back and forth, not understanding a single word the other was saying, but it was fun!

At the hardware store, my friend produced a slip of paper with the exact dimensions of what she needed and the workers took over.  We were in and out in no time and then I helped her install the board under her couch cushions.  Apparently a board under the cushions keeps them from slipping off the sofa.  Who knew?

After that, my friend asked me to meet her outside again in about 15 minutes and I had the opportunity to drive her to the bank.

I have to say, this was a highlight of my day - my week, even.  At one point, my friend offered to pay me but I thought, "why?"  I had the chance to help out someone who has been very friendly and welcoming to me, and I got to learn a few extra words in Bosnian.

***

Another Highlight - 

On Monday and Tuesday, I got to see my nephew Jason, his wife, Corie and their kids Kyle and Kylie - along with my niece, Dena and her girlfriend Marisa.  I hadn't seen Jason in a decade, and had never met Corie or their kids.  It was really great to see them and catch up with them.  I'm really proud of Jason.  He's a volunteer firefighter in his town of Fairview, Missouri.  The photo above is of him fighting a fire.  Not to be left out, I'm also proud of Dena and love her and all my brother Mark's kids.  They're good people.  They've been through a lot - more than I could take, for sure.

***

Not such a fun Highlight - 

Also on Tuesday, my dad told me that Gary, the manager of the Senior Apartments told him it was time for me to go.  When dad came in the apartment, he began that conversation with, "Do you want the bad news or the bad news?"  Kinda sucks when your dad uses your words and phrases against you =)

But you know, as soon as dad told me that I needed to leave, I felt a peace and calm I can't explain in human terms.  It just felt right.  I decided then that it must be what the Lord wants for me.  I have no idea where I'll land or where I'll go next week, but I know that as long as I trust in the Lord (or try my best to, anyway), the result will be what He wants.  What He wants is what I want.

A couple of hurdles cropped up immediately.  I had made a payment arrangement with a bill collector to withdraw payments for a bill every other week, but the agent made a mistake and withdrew this week, too.  That left me with a whopping $28 in my account.

Then, I called the Home Inn where I plan to go for a few weeks at least, and they said they had a room immediately.  Since I want to pay by the week, I confirmed the weekly rate - $80/week.  The manager said yes, that's the rate, but they have a policy that they require at least 2 weeks payment up front.  This threw me off, so I sent a quick text to my former bishop who owns the Home Inns and he said yes, that's their policy and no, he won't intervene for me for an exception.

So, I'm not quite sure what to do.  But, it's not up to me.  When the Lord counseled (commanded?) to trust not in the arm of flesh, I believe He was including my own flesh.  I need to trust in Him and Him alone.  When I try to take over, well, let's just say things don't go well most of the time.  What's the scripture?  Oh, yeah.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding."  (Proverbs 3:5)

That sounds pretty clear to me.  It's simple.  Not easy.  But simple.

***

Today, I had the opportunity to go to lunch with my brother, Tim.  So good to spend an hour or so with one of the great heroes of my life.

***

The final Highlight so far this week -

I met with my bishop this week.  We had a good talk.  Even though I'm moving, he said we can keep my records in the ward here.  I also committed to attending church and paying my tithing.  He had so many good things to say about my dad - things I already know.  The bishop also said he would give me a calling as soon as he could, and highly encouraged me to get involved in serving others.  I like the idea.  And, though this was the first time I met him, I liked him immediately.  He's pretty young (I would be surprised to find out he's had his 30th birthday yet), but I know he's connected with the Lord.

So, those are the highlights.  It's been a week of ups and downs, but I'm choosing to trust in the Lord (as His ways are not mine) and focus on the ups.

Hope you're having a good week.

Brother H.