My Jonah Complex

Most of us, I presume, have heard the story of Jonah, the Old Testament Prophet.  For those who need a refresher, here's the basic outline:

Jonah was called by God to preach repentance to the people of Ninevah.  He didn't want to.  He hopped on board a ship to escape the Lord, but the Lord, of course, wasn't fooled.  While on the ship, the weather got nasty and Jonah fessed up that he was the likely cause of the storm.  Despite his shipmates' objections, he jumped overboard to spare the lives of everyone else on the ship.  While overboard, a big fish swallowed Jonah, took him back to Ninevah and spit him out.

Okay, so there's a little more to the story, but for the purposes of this post, that's all we need to cover.  Because I have become a Jonah.  I have a Jonah Complex.  I have been running from the Lord.

I really wish I could explain my church inactivity, my sins and transgressions that keep me from going to my meetings, but I don't even really know myself.  I have friends and family who (for the most part) very gently try getting me back in the pews where I belong, but thus far, none of them have had any success.

Odd thing is, every single Saturday, I commit to myself and usually to others that I will be going the next day.  I even make my commitment public, like on Facebook, hoping that will help me be more accountable and less able to squirm out of getting up and going the next day.

But invariably, I don't go.

There are more reasons for not going than running from the Lord.  I wouldn't call them excuses, really, but I am the one involved, so how objective can I be?  

One of the major things that keeps me from going (other than the Jonah Complex) is my pain.  When I first get up in the morning, my back pain is nearly off the charts.  It takes a good 2 to 3 hours for my meds to kick in and my back to limber up.  Once I'm at the limbered-up point, I can take a shower and get myself dressed without much difficulty.  But in the intervening hours, I think to myself, why go to all the bother?

Excuses, really, are all I have.  But don't give up on me.  Even if you and I give up on me, I know the Lord won't.

In the meantime, if you're heading out to the lake on your boat, it may be best for you to not allow me to board.

Brother H

Hanging on to Sanity... Barely

Ever feel like you're just clinging to your sanity and afraid you're gonna fall at any moment?

I really hate to say it, but today has been a day of frustrations.

More specifically, it's been a day where I've allowed outside influences to frustrate me.  If I am the captain of my soul, how can I blame others for how I react to them?

I have a daddy-daughter date tonight with my beautiful 17 year old step-daughter.  I've been worried about punctuality.  Her biological dad isn't exactly punctual (or even present) so I'm doing all I can to be there when she needs me.  Tonight we're going to coffee and just talk.  I think that's important.

But everything leading up to that has left me in a bit of a tizzy.  I guess my dad (with whom I currently live) wasn't aware that my daughter and I had time set aside tonight and he told a family member we'd be happy to get him from the airport and drive him the 30 or so miles home.  Turned out his flight came in late enough that it started pressing me for time for the date, so I let myself become cranky.

I've also gotten a little cranky because I've heard through the grapevine that others in my family resent my staying with dad for now.  I'm really sorry they feel that way.  It makes me feel bad (but not angry or resentful toward them).  I don't know what they would do in my situation, I really can't judge them.  If any of them are reading this, please know it's temporary, I'm helping dad financially, and we have discussed the situation with the manager here and he is just fine with me staying.  My stay is not jeopardizing dad's living arrangements.  If that were true, I'd move out faster than you could pack me up.  Besides, I didn't hear any offers from anyone else to live with, and you know dad would do it for you if the need was the same.

But again, I digress.

Frustrations, sometimes, seem to get the better of me.  I don't like that about myself, and I'm working on it, but today, I'm afraid I've had to make a few apologies.  If you're reading this and I got frustrated with you today, please know I am sorry!

I suppose, again, I need to learn how to share this charity I have so graciously received with others.  Sometimes I wish I were perfect, but I'm just not.  In the meantime, please forgive me for being so mortal.

And now, off to get ready for my daddy-daughter date.  I'm excited!

Brother H.

Sleepless in Salt Lake

So, as I alluded to in my last post, something happened - a misperception - and the thought of it kept me up past 4 AM.

I have a childhood friend who lost her husband of 22 years. He fought valiantly against his cancer, but ultimately the battle was lost.  I had interacted with this friend a few times on Facebook, but not in real life.  In fact, I haven't seen her face to face for at least 10 years when her father passed away.

Back then, when her dad passed away, my life was still in "pre-conversion" stage.  Life then was all about me, me, me.  Since then, however, I have taken the challenge issued by prophets and apostles to earnestly seek for the gift of charity - "the pure love of Christ":

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen. (Moroni 7:48)  Read the chapter here

Now, while I am nowhere near being perfect at showing charity appropriately, I have indeed received this incredible gift from God.  I feel His love moment to moment, day by day.  It has, at times, consumed me to the point of tearful gratitude.  The problem isn't in my receiving the gift of charity; it is in appropriately showing it to others.  I truly have come to see others more like Heavenly Father sees them, though of course, He sees them as He sees them constantly.  I'm still working on it.

But I digress.

What happened was that I had tried to convey my support and love to this friend in the best way I knew how.  Support was fine.  It appears it was the word "love" that got lost in translation.

In English, we have one word for "love" and that is, of course, simply, "Love".  It has all sorts of meanings.  It can be a brother-sister type love in a family, a platonic love between friends, or it can mean the deep love a parent has for a child and vice versa.  But it can also have all sorts of romantic overtones.

In Greek, however, there are different words to convey these different kinds of meanings.  

Quoting from Wikipedia:

There are several Greek words for love, as the Greek language distinguishes how the word is used. Ancient Greek has four distinct words for love: agápe, éros, philía, and storgē. However, as with other languages, it has been historically difficult to separate the meanings of these words. Nonetheless, the senses in which these words were generally used are given below.

• Agápe (ἀγάπη agápē^[1]) means "love" (brotherly love) in modern day Greek, such as in the term s'agapo (Σ'αγαπώ), which means "I love you". In Ancient Greek, it often refers to a general affection or deeper sense of "true love" rather than the attraction suggested by "eros". Agape is used in the biblical passage known as the "love chapter", 1 Corinthians 13, and is described there and throughout the New Testament as sacrificial love. Agape is also used in ancient texts to denote feelings for a good meal, one's children, and the feelings for a spouse. It can be described as the feeling of being content or holding one in high regard.

• Éros (ἔρως érōs^[2]) is passionate love, with sensual desire and longing. The Modern Greek word "erotas" means "intimate love;" however, eros does not have to be sexual in nature. Eros can be interpreted as a love for someone whom you love more than the philia, love of friendship. It can also apply to dating relationships as well as marriage. Plato refined his own definition: Although eros is initially felt for a person, with contemplation it becomes an appreciation of the beauty within that person, or even becomes appreciation of beauty itself. Plato does not talk of physical attraction as a necessary part of love, hence the use of the word platonic to mean, "without physical attraction." Plato also said eros helps the soul recall knowledge of beauty, and contributes to an understanding of spiritual truth. Lovers and philosophers are all inspired to seek truth by eros. The most famous ancient work on the subject of eros is Plato's Symposium, which is a discussion among the students of Socrates on the nature of eros.

• Philia (φιλία philía^[3]) means friendship in modern Greek. It is a dispassionate virtuous love, a concept developed by Aristotle. It includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality and familiarity. In ancient texts, philos denoted a general type of love, used for love between family, between friends, a desire or enjoyment of an activity, as well as between lovers.

• Storge (στοργή storgē^[4]) means "affection" in ancient and modern Greek. It is natural affection, like that felt by parents for offspring. Rarely used in ancient works, and then almost exclusively as a descriptor of relationships within the family. It is also known to express mere acceptance or putting up with situations, as in "loving" the tyrant.

(Wikipedia Greek words for Love)

I got a phone call from one of the family yesterday afternoon letting me know (in a very kind and diplomatic way) that my intentions were seen as something more than simple support of a childhood friend who had just lost her beloved spouse.  It appears that complicating matters, there was some history in their family of something similar happening when the patriarch of the family passed away some ten years ago.  

Back then, an old friend of the family apparently tried to swoop in and sweep the dear widow off her feet.  From what I understand, the timing was incredibly bad, like right at the time of the funeral services or thereabouts.

It appears the way I tried to convey my support of my childhood friend, coupled with the fact that there had been this old friend trying to woo her mother basically at the time of her dad's funeral, and add to that the fact that there is only one English word for the many forms of love  - well - I felt absolutely terrible.

The last thing my friend needs in her life is additional drama, no matter how little.

So, yeah, I got very little sleep last night thinking about the whole situation, thinking about how I may never be able to face my friend again, just knowing how my intentions were received.

Other than staying away from the viewing tonight and the funeral tomorrow, I'm not sure how to proceed.  I certainly don't want to make things worse.

Brother H.

Quick update:

I heard from my friend's brother (who is my best friend and has been since we were 5) that he talked to his sister and she feels much better about the situation.

Now if I can just feel better about it, too.

Brother H.

Forgiveness

The Greatest Sermon on Forgiveness

Pariah - How Long?

There are good days and there are bad days.  Today is a bad day.  A hurting day.

I've been reading a book by the late Elder Neal A. Maxwell.  It's called, "Whom The Lord Loveth".  It's a really good book, and it's a really good book for me right now.

I can't say I feel exactly "chastened" - at least not more than I can bear.  Yes, I'm separated, heading for a divorce after only 5 years of marriage, and life gets lonely, but really, He's kept His promise to not give me more than I can bear.  And I genuinely appreciate it.

But I seem to be the chastening agent for others - that's what hurts today.

A childhood friend lost her husband to cancer a few days ago, and in my efforts to show her support, somehow I was perceived as trying to swoop in and sweep her off her feet.  I've always said that perception is reality to the perceiver.  What this means is that I would feel extremely awkward attending any of the funerary services, and I'll feel like a jerk for not going.  It's a lose-lose situation.

I hope somehow she'll understand I care - but not in the way it's been perceived.  I'm still married for Heaven's sake.  I feel like I've alienated a whole lotta friends and family members lately.  Maybe I should follow in my late brother's footsteps.  When he became the family pariah, he moved all the way to Tennessee.  Lost contact with many of us for years.  We didn't appreciate him until he was gone, and then we really didn't appreciate him until he was gone, gone.

Yes, I've hurt family members.

Yes, I've hurt friends.

It's the hurting of family members that hurts the most.

How long until they stop hating me?

The End.

Who Am I?

When I was a teenager, there was a traveling LDS show called Saturday's Warrior.  I realize not everyone liked it and now I suspect fewer have heard of it.

But I both loved it and still remember the messages.

One in particular was a song sung by the character Jimmy Flinders - "Who Am I?"

This question has dogged me for years until in 2003 I began finding answers at, of all places, Historic Temple Square in Salt Lake City.  The sister missionaries kindly challenged me to find out for myself.  I read and re-read the Book of Mormon - Another Testament of Jesus Christ. I allowed the sisters to continue challenging me.  I allowed the Spirit into my life and He changed my life.

But something's happened.  A lot of somethings, really.  I have fallen away.  I have become inactive.  I sit here sipping my coffee, taking a few minutes here and there to step out for a smoke.

It is these (and other) sins and transgressions that make me want to stay anonymous in this blog.  I want to be upfront and honest with you.  I shall not confess my sins to you.  As should be, they are between me and the Lord, and if egregious enough, then they are between me, the Lord and my priesthood authority.   I also hope that my honesty gives you a measure of hope and a knowledge that you are not alone in your struggles to be good and righteous and acceptable to the Lord and His Church.  Whatever you do - do not give up on you or on the Lord.

I hope you'll follow me along (and comment when you feel like it) as I try to discover what happened and how I can return, for I will return.  Know this, brother and sister, you are loved by God, regardless of your current level of faith and faithfulness.  He knows you and He loves you regardless of how you feel about Him or about yourself.

I don't know how often I will post, but I hope enough to give you hope, but not so much to bore or overwhelm you.

Brother H.