Confession of a Living Man

I have a confession to make.

For the longest time I have wanted to die.  Wait! Before you comment that I need to call the Suicide Hotline or call 9-1-1 on my behalf, let me explain.

I have no suicidal wishes, and this isn't a "death wish" in the classic sense of the phrase.  What I mean is that I have sometimes felt an overpowering Homesickness that makes me anxious to finish my mortal mission and, well, return Home to my mama, my brother and especially to my God.

But something changed today.

I have been reading a really great book by Max Lucado.  It's called, "Traveling Light, Releasing the Burdens You Were Never Meant to Bear - The Promise of Psalm 23"

I don't know Max, but I have decided to buy every book he's ever written.  He is what some Mormons would call a Mainstream Christian.  I just call him a fantastic writer who has upped my desire to be a better Christian by a factor of ten.  What insights he has given me in my own journey back Home!

Oh, I mentioned that something has changed.  Yes, and thank you, Max.

While reading his chapter on Homesickness (the same kind I referenced above), I realized I had been thinking about Home in the wrong way.  Max had previously touched on some other issues with which I relate very well.  The baggage of pain, of guilt, of disappointment and hurt.  I've carried this baggage for too long, and I suspect you have too.

So, tonight, I changed a prayer.  Prior to tonight, I had let Heavenly Father know that I am ready to come Home when He's ready for me.  Tonight, I changed that to letting Him know that I am completely unaware of when my mission here will end, and then I asked Him to help me stop thinking about it and instead actually live the rest of my days.

Today, I no longer care if my mission continues for another minute or another 50 years.  If I can live during that time, if I can serve others and help others find meaning in their own lives, then whatever time I have left will be well spent.

Today, I want to live.

I have, as Max has suggested, dropped my baggage of guilt, shame, hurt, lust, pain, loneliness and disappointment at the Cross of Calvary.

Thanks, Max, for teaching me to Travel Light.

Brother H.