Seeing Light

I've been having some medical and financial struggles lately.  Dealing with a vicious cycle.  My pain (Chronic Myofascial Pain and possible Fibromyalgia syndrome) really flared up this week, starting on Sunday.  I was going to go to church with A and my dad, but I couldn't even get into the shower and put my suit on.


I called the pain clinic who basically has me under contract to see them and them alone for any pain care, which makes sense to me.  There are too many instances of prescription drug abuse and accidental overdoses with prescription pain medication.  So, I called the pain clinic yesterday to see if I could come in.  However, because of some past bills that went to collection, the office manager told me they have been preparing to discharge me from their care.


Of course this would happen at the tail end of my pain pills running out.


I asked Allie, the office manager, if I could come in if I paid out of pocket for the office visit.  She said she needed to check with the doctors and she would call me back.


In the meantime, I called the collection agent who had been trying to reach me and made payment arrangements and they said that the pain clinic could verify that a payment has been made and that additional payments have been arranged.


I called the clinic back and asked to speak to Allie, but was told she was on the other line.  I then asked the nice lady to give her a message letting her know about the payment to see if that would help.  I was told that I should get a call back from Allie either later yesterday afternoon or this morning.


Guess who didn't call?


So, it was off to the emergency room.  By this time the pain was so excruciating, I was crying.  My dear old dad changed some of his plans and was kind enough to drive me to the hospital.  I wouldn't have dared, since the pain itself was so distracting, I wouldn't have been safe on the roads.


(By the way, in our runnings around today, I learned that I need to take my dad with me more often.  The cute old guy is a total chick magnet!)


The doc at the ER was very kind.  He gave me an Rx for a short supply of pain meds and urged me to work with either the pain clinic or a new provider.  We went to the pharmacy to get the Rx filled and had lunch at Maceys Deli - they have really good pizza by the way.  And then we came home.


As soon as I got home, I tried reaching Allie again, but had to leave her a voicemail.


In addition to all else, I am working with the social worker here at the senior apartments to get on Medicaid.  She's been very helpful!  She keeps telling me how nice it is for me to be here to take care of dad.  I don't really do much, just make sure he can hear things and basic stuff like that.


Realizing I don't have very much in the way of pain meds to keep me going for long, I called the doc that used to see mama and got an appointment with him.  March 7!


So, I really don't know what to do.  Two weeks without any meds at all really isn't something I look forward to!


***


On a personal/family note, I heard from my sister today.  She told me she loves me and always will.  That one message was an incredible relief.  Forgiveness may or may not come, but at least she loves me.


Heard from another family member with basically the same message.  She was another one I hurt.  I realize I've been worrying about the wrong things.  I've been worrying about how I feel about the situation - not about how they feel.  I've been doing it backwards.


This really isn't about me.  Yes, it started because of me, but I need to focus on my repentance and healing and stop focusing on how all this is affecting me.  I am not the victim.


All in all, I really can see more clearly now.  I am seeing light.  Day by day, I'm learning (or re-learning) to rely on the Lord and His mercy, grace and unconditional love.


May He bless us all.


Brother H.

Funky Town

As much as I like the song, "Funky Town", the title to this post is misleading.  For the past week or so, I have been in a deep, deep funk.

Funk as in depression.

I've pretty well limited contact with everyone I love, knowing that's the worst thing I can do, but I can't seem to help myself.

Down, down, down.

I could use some prayers.  Healing for me and for my family and our relationships.

Brother H.

A Step in the Right Direction

Took a big step.  Confessed to someone who I hurt.  Admitted I had lied before.  It doesn't make it all better - doesn't make it all go away, but it's a start.

The person I confessed to was extremely gracious, something that doesn't suprise me, because that's the way she is.  She's had her own tough road to repentance and she's done well.  She inspires me.

I know the steps I need to take from here, and they won't be easy steps by any means, but the Lord has been answering a specific prayer.  He's been softening and breaking my heart.  Helping me not be so afraid of the repentance process.  Healing and binding up my self-inflicted wounds.  In short, He's been doing what He promised He would do if I would only do my part.

I really don't know what's ahead in our family or in our family dynamics.  I continue to hope and pray that in addition to healing me and the others as individuals, He will heal our family relationships.

I take full responsibility for what I've done.  My actions have hurt others.  Although I knew there would be consequences, I did what I did anyway.  There are no more words I can say to convey my deep sorrow to my family.

All I can do is to hope they accept that I am trying to move forward, hand-in-hand with the Lord.  Time may heal all wounds, as they say, but I'm earnestly hoping that the wounds will heal sooner rather than later.

And so I pray...

Brother H.

Motivations and Intentions

I had good intentions when I told my friend I was going to church today.

Really.

But by the time it was time to get ready, I didn't have the oomph.  My back was hurting like crazy, and I just didn't have the energy.  She must think I'm the worst friend, ever.

We had planned it so we could prod and motivate each other to go.  She apparently has somewhat of a lack of motivation to go as well.  We were going to help each other.

A, if you're reading this, please know how sorry I am.  I really did want to go today.  But in the end, I failed you.  I'm sorry.

As my dad likes to remind me, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  However, I also know from that same dad that the Lord is merciful and benevolent beyond any measure on our part to comprehend.

I'm depending on that mercy and benevolence.

Sometimes I wonder if old scratch - the one who actively opposes all that is good and right, somehow is able to wrench my back every Sunday morning, making it especially difficult to find the cheerful outlook and energy to get ready and just go.  The spirit is willing but the flesh, indeed, is weak.

Brother H.

Withdrawal

Every day it becomes more apparent that the only way I will find full forgiveness is to move away.  Far, far away.  Though, in the digital age, how far can you really run from your sins and mistakes?  How far can you get from those you have hurt and from those who cannot or will not forgive?

With the birthday party just around the corner, I have also come to the conclusion that I need to be somewhere else during that time.  I love my father dearly, and I think bringing (or allowing) peace between family members is the best gift I can give.

Thinking of Montana  - but soooo cold!

Good things have been happening in my life though.  Maybe I'll tell you in a near-future post.

Missing Family

This is wearing me down.

The more I think about my family, my siblings and their children, my in-laws, the worse I feel for my actions.  I have driven wedges.  I have created canyons between us.

And I don't know how to fix it.

My dad's birthday is coming up and the family will be celebrating.  For dad, I want to be there.  For my family, I want to stay away.

 If I'm there, dad will be happy.  If I'm not there, the rest of the family will likely feel more comfortable.

One of the other hitches in the whole cycle is that my family (all but dad) want me to get out and move on.  I understand their concerns.  One sib, a brother, has let me know that he doesn't feel "nervous" about my being here creates a bad situation for dad.  His support is much appreciated but I don't know what the others really feel.

Another brother told me he thought I had a chip on my shoulder.  If so, it was placed there completely unintentionally.  I don't dislike my family.  I love them very much.  I honestly just don't know where to go from here.  I don't know how to strike that fine balance between being my own man, helping dad and gaining forgiveness from those I hurt.  I've done nothing like that since the incident, but I feel like it will take forever to regain love, trust and forgiveness from those I've hurt.

In the meantime, I continue to try growing closer to God and that has been really helpful.  Reading the Book of Mormon on a daily basis has brought me incredible peace.

I pray that we may all find healing in our hearts, our minds and our family relationships.

Brother H.

Wilt Thou Comfort my Soul in Christ

I have been feeling a greater measure of peace in my life.  I attribute that peace wholly to a kind, benevolent and wise Heavenly Father who sees beyond the maze of walls I face in mortality.  On my part, I attribute it to more faithfully reading the scriptures (specifically the Book of Mormon) and praying that Heavenly Father would soften my heart toward my family.  It's been a rough week, but, as my beautiful sister likes to sing, "I Can See Clearly Now the Rain is Gone".

Dad and I are getting along quite well.  Sure, he repeats some of the same stories, but I do too, I'm sure.  He likes to sing, and some of the songs he serenades me with, I haven't heard in decades.  He's really worried about his finances and he's told me how much he appreciates that I've been buying the groceries, taking him to lunch, etc.  That makes me feel good - that I've been in a position to help him financially rather than be a financial burden to him.  The only problem with that is that the more I spend here, the less I can save for my own place,  But, the Lord will provide.  He always does.

Truly today I am feeling that my prayers for my soul to be comforted in Christ are being answered.

Brother H.