It's strange for me to be defined as the baby of the family, though technically, that's true. I am the eighth child of eight children. For most of our lives, we've gotten along pretty well, though of course our varied personalities, tastes and quirks made for some interesting interactions from time to time.
However, I don't define myself that way. I am an adult, nearly half-century old, who makes mistakes, has dreams and aspirations and does the best he can with what he's got. Like others, I would rather be judged by my intentions than by the followthru. I am human, and an error-prone one at that.
I know now that some of my family reads this blog. To you I would like to say, welcome. You may not always hear the pleasantries of whats going on in my head, but I will try not to offend you. I love my family. I know they have my best interest at heart and their intentions are good and noble.
However, I think they still like to think of me as the baby. Immature. Spoiled. In need of constant correction, maybe even a time out.
I make mistakes, yes, and lots of them. Some of the recent ones have been real doozies. Hurtful. Bewildering. Perhaps even unforgivable. Bad enough that I know I will do all I can to avoid family gatherings for the time being. Perhaps for the rest of my days. I'm sure I've made many feel awkward even calling or visiting dad. Yet another reason I want to get out and back on my own.
The main reason I feel like this is because when there's a total absence of communication between the offender and the offended, both are left to their imaginations of what's going on in the heart and mind of the other. In this case, since I've not heard from the party involved, I can only assume that forgiveness is not going to happen. At least not for now. Heck, she could hate me for all I know. The lack of communication here makes it impossible to know.
I worried about all of this so much yesterday, I ended up sedating myself and just going to sleep for awhile. But for today, I choose not to worry about what others think of me. As long as I've put it out there that I understand their concerns about the living situation and I'm moving on it... as long as I've apologized again and have asked their forgiveness... well, really, that's all I can do. I can't obsess on the situation so much that it keeps throwing me into panic attacks.
On the good side, something dad said today made me feel good. He pointed out that those who are criticizing me for being here as long as I have been don't know the whole story. I'm not about to boast. Just know that I've been able to help him in ways others could not.
And with that, I am putting this in God's hands where it all belongs.
Brother H.
It's been my experience that no one ever knows the whole story other than the person who lives it. You are right to put it in God's hands. It will evetually be okay. My mom used to say, "Everything always comes out in the wash."
ReplyDeleteDear Brother H,
ReplyDeleteOur situations are very similar. Although I am the eldest of my siblings, I am the child whose situation was the best to help out the family. When my parents would go on family vacations, leave town for funerals and the like...it was made possible because I would stay behind to tend animals and house-sit. It is almost comical all these years later to have my family reminisce about this vacation that we all went on only to have me remind them that I stayed home.
My sisters and brother are scattered with their own families, but are so quick to criticize or be concerned that I am not doing enough for my mother. My mother is not a help in this area because as she speaks to them, she makes it sound like she is all alone. My daughters and I do all that we can to make sure that she has all she needs, but maintains a sense of independence.
There have been occasions when I have had to live back at home with my kids. During those times, my parents were able to supplement their income by using us as tax deductions while I was in school. All I heard from extended family is how horrible I was to put my parents in such financial straits and how lazy I was in not helping out at home (totally not true). What all the outsiders didn't see was the housework that was done and the errands that were performed on the household's behalf.
I understand what it is to the be on the outside looking in when a "thank you" for the things we DID do would have been nice to hear. No, we aren't perfect...but, I would like to think that I left the situation better than when I arrived.
The fact that you helped your dad during his most recent time of need is priceless. He had care 24/7 that he didn't need to feel awkward about. You had the opportunity of supplying support to a man who supported and raised you.
Yes, it is time for you to move on. I just hope that you don't walk away in a shameful fashion. As one who has walked a mile in your moccasins, I can say that you are a good son and brother in spite of what others say or do.
Chin up my dear friend,
Tammy