Missing Family

This is wearing me down.

The more I think about my family, my siblings and their children, my in-laws, the worse I feel for my actions.  I have driven wedges.  I have created canyons between us.

And I don't know how to fix it.

My dad's birthday is coming up and the family will be celebrating.  For dad, I want to be there.  For my family, I want to stay away.

 If I'm there, dad will be happy.  If I'm not there, the rest of the family will likely feel more comfortable.

One of the other hitches in the whole cycle is that my family (all but dad) want me to get out and move on.  I understand their concerns.  One sib, a brother, has let me know that he doesn't feel "nervous" about my being here creates a bad situation for dad.  His support is much appreciated but I don't know what the others really feel.

Another brother told me he thought I had a chip on my shoulder.  If so, it was placed there completely unintentionally.  I don't dislike my family.  I love them very much.  I honestly just don't know where to go from here.  I don't know how to strike that fine balance between being my own man, helping dad and gaining forgiveness from those I hurt.  I've done nothing like that since the incident, but I feel like it will take forever to regain love, trust and forgiveness from those I've hurt.

In the meantime, I continue to try growing closer to God and that has been really helpful.  Reading the Book of Mormon on a daily basis has brought me incredible peace.

I pray that we may all find healing in our hearts, our minds and our family relationships.

Brother H.