There are a multitude of blessings of being part of a large family. I've always loved having a lot of older siblings. As we all age, however, and grow at different rates and experience life in different ways, the dynamics can get a little complicated in some ways. This is only my personal opinion, but I think that the larger the family, the more opportunities for both love and error present themselves.
Despite the errors, sins and mistakes I've made in my life, I can honestly say I love each and every one of my siblings and their offspring.
Right around Christmastime, I made a huge mistake that affected a few people in my immediate family. I have a sister who has every right to be angry with me. Though I've apologized and have worked on my end to also obtain forgiveness of the Lord, the one thing I'm finding is that the distance I've created between the two of us is really hard to bear. Yes, I deserve it, there's no question about that. I wouldn't blame her if she never talked to me again.
It's also been extremely difficult for me to find forgiveness from myself for myself. Though the Lord tells us not to worry about whether others forgive us or not, I'm not sure if I will be able to completely forgive myself without obtaining her forgiveness. There's the rub. The longer I know she's carrying this burden of seeing me as the evil one, the longer I see myself that way, too.
Perhaps it would be easier for me to just pack up and leave town. Then nobody would have to think about me so much and they could move on with their lives and I could find it easier to move on with mine and forgive me of my sins.
I don't deserve her forgiveness. I guess asking for mercy at this point is too much. I know I can obtain both from the Lord. Perhaps that shall be my consolation for the time being.
Brother H.
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