Moving on

I feel it's time for me to move on.  In more than a few ways.  Physically.  Spiritually.  Mentally.  Emotionally.  And in any other "ally" ways I can.


I will be moving from dad's place by the end of this month. Hopefully before his birthday, which is ten days away.  My sister (who must know how much I love her and all my sibs), has correctly pointed out that nobody wants to jeopardize dad's living conditions.  Although the manager here has explicitly approved of my being a guest to help dad, it's really making others nervous.  Good motivation to go.


I'm afraid that the wedges and rifts between other family members and me are getting wider.  I take full responsibility for these disconnections, and right now, the only thing I can think of to allow everyone to get back to normal family-hood is for me to excuse myself from the situation and hope that we can all, someday, get back to the closeness we had after the passing of my brother and mother.  During the times that they were in ICU and dying, the family got incredibly close.  Wedges were removed.  Chasms were closed.  Wounds were sutured and hearts mended.  There was forgiveness all around.

Things feel different now.

Is it perception that some of my siblings will never forgive me?  I honestly don't know.  If not, well, that's something I'll just have to live with.  In the meantime, they can hopefully take comfort in the knowledge that I am actively looking for a new place to live; looking for work, and will be out of their hair soon.

I'm a bad person, I get it.  You're a good person.  I get that, too.

Maybe it's simple paranoia, but I sense a "cheeseball party" is being planned in my honor, and if that happens, well, the rift would widen to an unbridgeable canyon.  Such an event would drive me away permanently.  And far away. I hope my sibs know I love them enough to understand their motives, and I dearly love them for who they are.  I only ask that they remember how another one of us felt driven away because he was so different than the rest of us.  Justified in his feelings or not, it was his perception that we (yes, me, too) were willing to love and accept him, but only on our own terms.  That he moved 1,800 miles to get away from us is telling in our family dynamic.  I still cringe knowing that I was apart of what he perceived as loving and accepting him on our terms.


I am willing to make things right with my family and loved ones, but I think this is something only time will heal.  I need to work through my own salvation and repentance process.  That's something nobody else can help me with.  I hope the members of my family who I recently hurt know how sorry I am.  I can't take back what I did.  I can only tell you again that I'm sorry, it won't happen again, and I am trying to forgive myself as well as be open to Heavenly Father's forgiveness.  Whether your forgiveness comes now, later or never, well, I can't worry about that.

I know this may sound like a pity party, but really, I'm okay.

Dad was extremely gracious in allowing me to stay, and the timing was good. He was having eye surgery and needed a seeing eye child.  I was available and it would have been a hardship on the other sibs.  His eye has healed completely, and, well, it's just time to go.

The thing about my present circumstance is that I can pretty much go anywhere.  Lately, I've been considering places in Southern Utah (don't worry, nowhere near where family currently lives).  It's a long drive, that's for sure, but like my dear departed brother, I'm afraid that until my lifestyle more closely represents the lifestyle my sibs want for me, maybe it's best if I just take some time away.  I'm still up in the air about that.

Also, as I mentioned in my last post, I have been trying to read the Book of Mormon more consistently.  Last night, I read the final chapter of Alma and began Helaman.  What great men these two were.  I hope that someday I'll again find the strength to be more like them.  In the meantime, I rely completely on the mercy and grace of my Father in Heaven to see me through, day to day.

I hope you do, too.

With special love to my sibs who I know love me and I love them back,

Brother H.