Trusting in the Arm of Flesh

I chose the title of this post because it very recently hit me - the solution to all my angst, stress, pressure and - well - all the negative feelings of late.

I need to stop trusting in the arm of flesh.  This means people.  Humans.  Mortals.  Those whose spirits are currently adorned with flesh.  I need to stop trusting in flesh I've relied on for nearly a half-century.  My own.

When this idea came to me, it was more than an idea.  I knew it was pure inspiration.  Pure revelation.  Relevant to all I've been dealing with.  God alone knows my heart, my intentions, my sins and my efforts to repent of my sins.  He alone knows why I am the way I am and how much of who I am is changeable according to my mission and His will, plan and timing.

Despite the beautiful song by Frank Sinatra, I cannot continue trying to do it my way.  When I do, I fail.

I wish I could take the jumbled up feelings I've been experiencing and somehow download it just so others who are trying to figure me out could better understand the challenges I'm facing.  The transgressions, sins, mistakes, etc., some are the normal garden-variety of things we all face from time to time.  But in each of us, I believe, there are things we deal with that others who have not dealt with just could not understand.

If you've ever been addicted to nicotine, have you ever tried to explain to someone who has never smoked what it's like to try and quit?

If you've never been addicted to nicotine, has a smoker ever tried to explain it to you?  Did you fully understand, or did you mentally roll your eyes and think, "Come on, it can't be that hard to quit"?

On the parts of both of you, there is a communication gap. You can explain it - you can listen to it - all day long.  But, unless there's an experiential relationship, you're both going to fail on some level.

Some members of my family know that besides nicotine, I have other addictions that I won't go into here.  I'm sure you wonder why I did what I did.  Hell, I wonder why I did what I did, too.  Any attempt to explain, I fear, would be taken by them as an alibi.  An excuse.  A way to explain away my behavior without taking honest responsibility.

However, I have been trying to figure it out and though I understand some of it, I don't understand it all.  I can tell you that, at the time at least, it was an overwhelming compulsion borne of events that happened years ago.  I can tell you how very sorry I am (and mean it with all my soul), but I sense that only time will heal these particular wounds.  I will not excuse myself.  I will not give an alibi.

One of the problems that gets in the way of healing on both sides of the issue is that some things we do to each other create great canyons of emotional distance.  We may still love each other, but trust needs time to be rebuilt.  Rome wasn't built in a day, and I am sure the trust I want to earn back could take years.

But it's not up to me.  And this is where that pure inspiration comes into play.

As much as I want the unconditional love, the forgiveness and the trust back from my family, that is simply out of my control.  That is something I absolutely cannot trust the arm of flesh to fix.  Not my flesh.  Not their flesh.

I can only trust my wise Heavenly Father to lead me (and sometimes carry me) down the path of repentance and to the cross of my Savior who both paid for these sins and suffered the hurt, disappointment and anger that family members may carry towards me.  He did this so that He could have the hands-on experience by feeling these exact feelings, exactly as they feel them, and I feel them.  Only with this hands-on experience is He able to walk us down our paths, and hopefully, back into the arms of each other.

***

On another note, as mentioned in a previous post, I was going to try my best to read from the Book of Mormon at least once a day - one chapter a day.

Today I read the 4th chapter of Helaman.  There are some real life parallels for me there that relate to the theme of this post.  By relying in my own arm of flesh, I have essentially been telling God, "Hey, I can do this.  I'll let you know if I need You."

That sounds like boastful pride to me.  According to the record in this chapter, when we boast in our own strength, He leaves us in our own strength.  And justifiably so.  

Since turning things over to Him and not taking them back; since reading daily from this life-changing book (The Book of Mormon), I have begun to feel so much peace.  For the first time in weeks, I have really felt the Holy Ghost.  It's amazing to me that He knows I'm so far from perfect, and yet sends this beautiful member of the Godhead to me.

Now is the time for me to let go and let God.

Thank you for your support, your prayers and your encouraging comments.  I appreciate you.

Brother H.