Why is it that we like to fix each other? Husbands like to fix wives. Parents like to fix their kids. Siblings like to fix each other.
I have a close family member (at least one that I know of; there are probably others) who wants to fix me. He wants me to get a job, get out on my own. He wants me to get back in the pew at church. All of which is admirable, but, really, doesn't he have better things to do with his time?
As one of the former black sheep of the family, he should know the futility of trying to fix someone the way you want them fixed. He should also remember the wedge that can be driven between family members when there's one who wants to fix the other. There was a wedge between him and the rest of us for a time. Then, it was driven by others in the family who wanted to fix him. Now that that particular wedge has been removed and scars healed, he's using it on me.
Remember that we (as a family - I do not exclude myself from blame) already drove one family member away - to Tennessee - because we couldn't/wouldn't accept him "as is". I've seriously considered following suit and just leaving Utah because I feel I don't fit in with the family.
Why do we do this to each other? Why do we get so excited to fix each other that we end up only driving them farther away? Why do we make it so phone calls go unanswered because it's really not pleasant for me to hear, "I want to support you... but..." and unspoken but still heard, "it's got to be this way."?
Look, I have a mind, a brain and free will. I know what's right; I know what's wrong. I know that you love me, and I so appreciate that. But there are things I need to learn and things I need to figure out in my own way and according to my own timetable. I promise you that if my health was not so fragile, I'd go to work on a construction crew this week to bring in more bacon. As it is, I'm helping dad in financial and other ways. Dad and I have discussed this, and he says if others resent me being here, well, they don't need to. Ask him.
In the meantime, call me with some good news. Share with me what's going on in your life. How's the job? Family okay? Kids having a good time? Great.
But if you start trying to fix me, that may be the last time I answer your call.
But I will still love you.
Always.
Brother H.
Dear Brother(MY Brother), H.
ReplyDeleteI read this & just wanted to say that I, for one, have never felt a wedge between myself & this brother....or between any other sib. Well, actually, I have felt a wedge, but it was a wedge I placed between me & you all when I was in my addictions. I also want to say that I love all of my sib's unconditionally & know they have good intentions. I believe the worry that he...& others of us...including myself...is we don't want dad to do anything to jeopardize his housing arrangement & we were under the impression that he could only have a guest stay with him for a few weeks at a time. Maybe we were misinformed on this. I truely appreciate all you are doing to help him out. But worried.
Love you
Sister (your sister) S.
P.S. Your comments seem harsh about this brother & it makes me feel sad.
Dear Sister - My sister...
ReplyDeleteI agree. The wedges that are in place were put there by me. No denying that. Also, I would never do anything to jeapordize dad's living arrangements. He's spoken to the manager several times, each time getting continued permission for me to be here. Soon, however, I will be moving. As in this month. Will keep you updated.
I'm sorry my comments make you sad. Intentions are good, however, when I hear from this brother, it's rarely a social call. It's more like being called into the principal's office. Part of the wedge I've placed? Perhaps. Maybe it's just my perception.
If you'd like to continue this discussion, let's do so in private. Please feel free to email me at hopefulmormon@gmail.com
Brother H.